Exposure

The past couple days I have been feeling really anxious and am having a hard time processing so many feelings.  It's tough being here for so many reasons and on so many levels.  It is really tough just staying focussed and not getting sidetracked or distracted. .  I look around at so much disparity and need and want to "fix" it all.  Matt graciously reminds me to stay focussed on our mission at Casa Hogar.  It's not that I don't want to be open to the Lord's leading, and if there is a need and a calling for us in other areas, I don't want to turn a blind eye.  I just need to focus.  I question why we do the things we do, and wonder if it will ever make a difference.  I see a great need and know what needs to be done, but will things be carried out while and even after I am gone?  Hygiene practices just seem like common knowledge.  Often I find myself having to scale back everything I know and would do, and try putting myself in their shoes.

I feel myself almost becoming desensitized to the poverty surroundings.  Or maybe it's a realization of what most of the world lives like.  As we drive to the orphanage everyday, we pass shack after shack and I realize how fortunate the girls of Casa Hogar actually are.  However, I am learning quickly that many of these girls are coming from such homes, thus lacking education and resources.
My constant struggle of feeling accomplished and productive creeps up on me often.  God has been stretching me to say the least.  Quite often I don't feel like I am using my gifts and strengths.  I beat  myself up and feel guilty that certain things don't just come naturally.  I want to experience new things and try but it's hard doing the things you aren't always good at and sometimes like.  I have been burying my head in my bible and reading lots.  I came across this yesterday morning. "God surpasses our dreams when we reach past our personal plans and agendas to grab the hand of Christ and walk the path He chose for us.  He is obligated to keep us dissatisfied until we come to Him and His plans for complete satisfaction."  It's in the  times when I've been totally broken that I have felt the Holy Spirit's presence.  I know it's in such times as these that God is doing some profound work.  I just don't always see it.  My mom called me yesterday and spoke some amazing truths.  Moms are so wise.  I hope that I can be as wise and strong as her someday.  You see, moms know when their kids are struggling. Its like God gives them that intuition.  She could sense my frustrations and reminded me that God gives us all different strengths and gifts and to not feel bad about trying to "fit" into a mould I'm not supposed to "fit" in.  I have been on the sideline watching my husband use the gifts God has blessed him with and  see him shine.  I am so proud of him.  I am so blessed to stand beside him on this journey.  We talked about different seasons in our lives and I think this is one that maybe I am supposed to just support him and cheer him on.   However, along the way I am growing and developing in my own journey.  I guess  I feel almost afraid to "be" here because if I allowed it, it may require more of me.  More than I feel good at and more than I can handle.  There, I said it.  It makes me think of that quote, "to much is given, much is required".

One thing I do know is that God gives us all unique gifts and callings for many different reasons,  purposes we don't always understand but that allow us to grow and serve!