Wednesday, December 31, 2014

press pause




  

         As we reflect back over this past year, there are so many things I wish I could re-do, re-think, do better.  It's easy to get caught in this line of thinking and not ponder on all that God has done and is doing.  We had a rough year.  Things didn't go the way we thought they would or expect.  We questioned God's calling us back and at times will to keep pushing forward.  But maybe, just maybe God used the initial reasoning to call us back and has something grander, something that is not our own doing but His.  I am amazed at the surprises He blesses us with along the way.  And He delights in you and I and wants to surprise us.  I think God doesn't allow us to see too far into the future because we lose sight of the present.  Not to mention we wouldn't be able to handle it.  If I would have known what I know now about the last year, I wonder if I would have been so willing to answer His call on my life.  We took in and treated a malnourished child for close to three months, raised four teenage girls, loved an abandoned baby, and tried our best to live out "love your neighbour as yourself" that Jesus so often spoke of.  I have been more sick in the last year and cried more tears (of sorrow and joy) than ever before. 

            In the quietness of these moments before the company comes, and the fireworks explode in the night air to ring in the new year, I want to stop.  I want to give glory and praise to our Father who sees all things and in all things makes things new.  I have been too busy and distracted lately.  Jesus says in Matthew 11:28 “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  And when things seem tough and like I don’t feel like I have the energy, He says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Hebrews 12:1

I

 As 2015 is upon us, God breathes hope into our lives.  Hope that carries us through.  Hope that this world will be a better place, that His message will reach the unsaved, that we have another year ahead full of opportunity to live out what Jesus has called us to.  





Saturday, December 13, 2014

moments of fostering

It was not that late.  Only around 9 pm and for a split second I had the remind myself where we were.  We were driving home from a Thanksgiving gathering with some American friends.  We bounced and jostled up and down the mountains on our way back to Jalapa, dodging cows and pot holes in the road.  It was dark... we usually are not out at night at all so it was strange.  My eyes were glazed over with tiredness from spending an entire day of cooking in the kitchen.  With full tummies and hearts full of love and friendship, we were on our way home.  The kids excited talk soon faded to quiet whispers as we bounced along in our bus.  There is a lot to be thankful for.

We have just passed our one year mark for being back in Guatemala.  The past year had its many difficulties, trials and hardships.  But among the "thorns" something beautiful was growing.  A deeper love for God and understanding of what it takes to serve and trust Him.  I don't sleep much.  I thought maybe now that Lily is gone, I would get more adequate rest.  It's worse, because as soon as I am quiet in my mind and my head hits the pillow,  my thoughts drift to her precious face.  I think about her crying and clinging to me for dear life as they took her from my arms.  Abandoned... again.  I feel angry and sad a lot. I struggle with knowing God's plan for her life.

A few nights before I flew back here from Canada, I had a vivid dream.  One that I couldn't remember at first but as the day progressed, I started to understand things more clearly.  In my dream, I was working through losing Lily but for some reason I knew I had to keep going on because I was caring for another little girl... only this one wasn't brown skinned, brown haired, rather white as white can be.  I may never loose sight of the incredible gifts God has given me in our children.  There are a lot of "Lily" cases out there.  UNICEF states that an estimated 153 million children worldwide have lost either one or both parents.  This interpretation of my dream extends beyond just our biological children.  We have circled one full year with our four "daughters'.  Matt and I have absolutely no experience in fostering, nor did we ever expect to.  God knew. And we are being stretched beyond any circumstance we have faced.  Fostering can be just plain messy.  We have shared joy and sorrow. We have been through the pleasant and the ugly and everything in between.  There have been days when I have questioned if anything that we are saying or doing is sinking in and making any sense.  If anything, I have learned that kids need boundaries and discipline.  They need consistency and unconditional love.  I know that our girls haven't always had that.  Institutional living has effected their self confidence, ability to trust in others and a whole host of other issues.  I have struggled for many months with the youngest of the four.  There were many times of disrespectful treatment and hostility toward me.  I struggled with the fact that she didn't trust me for weeks on end.  It finally dawned on me that I needed to gain her trust.. not the other way around.  She needed to know that I wasn't leaving her after a month as she had a different caregiver every month for the past nine years at the orphanage.  She needs a mom even though she has never known the depth of that relationship.  For the entire past year I was just another care-giver. I was just another woman in her life.   But the last six weeks or so, I have been mom.  And I will never forget the first time she spoke that word.  It was music to my soul.  There have been some significant break throughs and communication is opening.  She has shared things with me she has never shared with any other adult.  And I praise God who so graciously loves me in my brokenness enough to actually use me in the lives of the girls.

A couple weeks ago we hauled out the christmas box.  As I opened the box, the smell of cinnamon took me to childhood memories of christmas as a family.  The kids were busily setting up the tree and checking lightbulbs.  I usually do most of the work as most years the kids get tired and distracted.  Not this year.  I had a team of elves and I hardly touched the tree let alone an ornament.  I stood back and watched the girls get right into the excitement.  It was beautiful to see them working together and making it just perfect.  I know that there are times that they struggle with not having their biological family together.  Our job is never to replace that for them.

We have had many conversations about protecting them and helping them discern healthy boundaries with their family.  A couple weeks ago, I woke up one morning and just prayed that God would use me in whatever way He saw fit for the day.  You know when you ask God, He does hear..... Sure enough that afternoon, the oldest brother of our girls came to the door crying because he got word that his mom was really sick.  There is so much brokenness in this family I can't even begin to understand.  He really felt that although his mom hasn't always been there for them, that it was important for them to go.  So willingly, the girls and I drove the bus out to her little shack.  We brought a blanket and prayed over her.  I knelt on the dirt floor and prayed over a mom whose daughters were being raised by me.  I reminded her of how much love was standing by her bedside.  My tears fell as I silently felt so unqualified.   I really realized through this visit how much the girls look to me for advice and comfort.  And it was a testimony of love.  A love that is not trying to replace, or substitute.  Its a love that protects, guides and desires restoration.


“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.” Mark 9:37