press pause

  

         As we reflect back over this past year, there are so many things I wish I could re-do, re-think, do better.  It's easy to get caught in this line of thinking and not ponder on all that God has done and is doing.  We had a rough year.  Things didn't go the way we thought they would or expect.  We questioned God's calling us back and at times will to keep pushing forward.  But maybe, just maybe God used the initial reasoning to call us back and has something grander, something that is not our own doing but His.  I am amazed at the surprises He blesses us with along the way.  And He delights in you and I and wants to surprise us.  I think God doesn't allow us to see too far into the future because we lose sight of the present.  Not to mention we wouldn't be able to handle it.  If I would have known what I know now about the last year, I wonder if I would have been so willing to answer His call on my life.  We took in and treated a malnourished child for close to three months, raised four teenage girls, loved an abandoned baby, and tried our best to live out "love your neighbour as yourself" that Jesus so often spoke of.  I have been more sick in the last year and cried more tears (of sorrow and joy) than ever before. 

            In the quietness of these moments before the company comes, and the fireworks explode in the night air to ring in the new year, I want to stop.  I want to give glory and praise to our Father who sees all things and in all things makes things new.  I have been too busy and distracted lately.  Jesus says in Matthew 11:28 “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  And when things seem tough and like I don’t feel like I have the energy, He says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Hebrews 12:1

I

 As 2015 is upon us, God breathes hope into our lives.  Hope that carries us through.  Hope that this world will be a better place, that His message will reach the unsaved, that we have another year ahead full of opportunity to live out what Jesus has called us to.  

moments of fostering

It was not that late.  Only around 9 pm and for a split second I had the remind myself where we were.  We were driving home from a Thanksgiving gathering with some American friends.  We bounced and jostled up and down the mountains on our way back to Jalapa, dodging cows and pot holes in the road.  It was dark... we usually are not out at night at all so it was strange.  My eyes were glazed over with tiredness from spending an entire day of cooking in the kitchen.  With full tummies and hearts full of love and friendship, we were on our way home.  The kids excited talk soon faded to quiet whispers as we bounced along in our bus.  There is a lot to be thankful for.

We have just passed our one year mark for being back in Guatemala.  The past year had its many difficulties, trials and hardships.  But among the "thorns" something beautiful was growing.  A deeper love for God and understanding of what it takes to serve and trust Him.  I don't sleep much.  I thought maybe now that Lily is gone, I would get more adequate rest.  It's worse, because as soon as I am quiet in my mind and my head hits the pillow,  my thoughts drift to her precious face.  I think about her crying and clinging to me for dear life as they took her from my arms.  Abandoned... again.  I feel angry and sad a lot. I struggle with knowing God's plan for her life.

A few nights before I flew back here from Canada, I had a vivid dream.  One that I couldn't remember at first but as the day progressed, I started to understand things more clearly.  In my dream, I was working through losing Lily but for some reason I knew I had to keep going on because I was caring for another little girl... only this one wasn't brown skinned, brown haired, rather white as white can be.  I may never loose sight of the incredible gifts God has given me in our children.  There are a lot of "Lily" cases out there.  UNICEF states that an estimated 153 million children worldwide have lost either one or both parents.  This interpretation of my dream extends beyond just our biological children.  We have circled one full year with our four "daughters'.  Matt and I have absolutely no experience in fostering, nor did we ever expect to.  God knew. And we are being stretched beyond any circumstance we have faced.  Fostering can be just plain messy.  We have shared joy and sorrow. We have been through the pleasant and the ugly and everything in between.  There have been days when I have questioned if anything that we are saying or doing is sinking in and making any sense.  If anything, I have learned that kids need boundaries and discipline.  They need consistency and unconditional love.  I know that our girls haven't always had that.  Institutional living has effected their self confidence, ability to trust in others and a whole host of other issues.  I have struggled for many months with the youngest of the four.  There were many times of disrespectful treatment and hostility toward me.  I struggled with the fact that she didn't trust me for weeks on end.  It finally dawned on me that I needed to gain her trust.. not the other way around.  She needed to know that I wasn't leaving her after a month as she had a different caregiver every month for the past nine years at the orphanage.  She needs a mom even though she has never known the depth of that relationship.  For the entire past year I was just another care-giver. I was just another woman in her life.   But the last six weeks or so, I have been mom.  And I will never forget the first time she spoke that word.  It was music to my soul.  There have been some significant break throughs and communication is opening.  She has shared things with me she has never shared with any other adult.  And I praise God who so graciously loves me in my brokenness enough to actually use me in the lives of the girls.

A couple weeks ago we hauled out the christmas box.  As I opened the box, the smell of cinnamon took me to childhood memories of christmas as a family.  The kids were busily setting up the tree and checking lightbulbs.  I usually do most of the work as most years the kids get tired and distracted.  Not this year.  I had a team of elves and I hardly touched the tree let alone an ornament.  I stood back and watched the girls get right into the excitement.  It was beautiful to see them working together and making it just perfect.  I know that there are times that they struggle with not having their biological family together.  Our job is never to replace that for them.

We have had many conversations about protecting them and helping them discern healthy boundaries with their family.  A couple weeks ago, I woke up one morning and just prayed that God would use me in whatever way He saw fit for the day.  You know when you ask God, He does hear..... Sure enough that afternoon, the oldest brother of our girls came to the door crying because he got word that his mom was really sick.  There is so much brokenness in this family I can't even begin to understand.  He really felt that although his mom hasn't always been there for them, that it was important for them to go.  So willingly, the girls and I drove the bus out to her little shack.  We brought a blanket and prayed over her.  I knelt on the dirt floor and prayed over a mom whose daughters were being raised by me.  I reminded her of how much love was standing by her bedside.  My tears fell as I silently felt so unqualified.   I really realized through this visit how much the girls look to me for advice and comfort.  And it was a testimony of love.  A love that is not trying to replace, or substitute.  Its a love that protects, guides and desires restoration.

“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.” Mark 9:37

Lavished Love

Standing boldly in front of the church when asked “ Why missions?” a thirteen year old replies, “if we aren’t going, who will?” There are many proud moments we have as parents.  The goal that’s scored in the game while a quick over the shoulder glance is shot back for approval, the “A” on the math test after all the difficulty, the polite words spoken to the clerk at the grocery store.  But this, by far made my face beam with delight.  With all the “letting go” and the “giving up” we have experienced, God is up to something far more than in just Matt and I. 

People say, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.  I definitely knew we had something special and was always grateful but was really reminded of this upon arriving home.  God already knew ahead of time that we needed this.  I felt like I had just walked off a battlefield and had the wounds and scars to prove it.  With all the stress, my skin felt like I was trapped in a teenage body full of acne.  I felt ugly on the inside and out.  How was it even possible to share what we have experienced in the last year.  I felt broken. I felt tired, and defeated.  And it was time to come home for a rest, to allow people to pour into us for a change.  It's hard for me to be on the receiving end of things.  There was an outpouring of messages, coffee dates, gift certificates, surprise cottage retreat, date nights  accompanied by meals shared with friends.   Through all this, I felt so encouraged and loved.  We met with old faces and even some new ones.  It is incredible to see how God works in ALL things.  I received beautiful messages from people I don’t even know who are inspired by what God is doing.  And it is all for His kingdom’s sake. 

handmade items from our transition program

A few weeks ago on a Saturday evening we found ourselves surrounded by such a group.  The presence of our Father is not always  found in a loud auditorium with bright lights and flashy props. On the quiet roads of a rural backdrop of endless fields and sunsets is where I met Him.  We gathered  small but strong in our faith.  We didn't know each other but the bond that we have in Jesus is a stronger tie than any earthy thing.  We worshiped, listened and shared.  And at the end of our time, we were surrounded by  the church.  Hands were laid, knees were bent.  We were in the centre of a huddle and prayers were lifted up over us.  One gentleman touched my shoulder and prayed with such authority, my insides literally shook.  It was the most beautiful expression of community.  

I feel ready to go back even though the journey ahead is daunting.  I am ready to get back to our family life as a whole but fear the enormous void of Lilly.  I'm still waiting for the pain to subside.  I walk into a store and when I see little baby clothes my heart drops to my toes.  I am learning to walk by faith and not by sight and God is revealing His lavish love through the support and encouragement of our community.  Thank you for your prayers!

FRC chilli night

Walking Wounded

This past week has been one of the most emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining weeks for our family.  I felt like I was waiting all week for the inevitable.  It almost felt like a death of a loved one.  No one can ever prepare you enough until  you walk through the pain of loosing a child.  Feelings of guilt would overcome me as I wanted desperately to spend every waking hour with Lilly.  We integrated her into the safe house slowly, increasing her time there with each day . Her cry changed and the sound of her voice was more hoarse.  She had diarrhea and no appetite.  She knew her little world was changing around her and she was gripping on to us with all she had.  Her hugs got tighter and lasted longer, her smile and excitement when she would see us, the calling for mom and dad, and the clapping of hands when we would pull up to the house after a stay at the safe house were all signs of her awareness that change was coming.

I am in the process of putting together a little box of some special memories.  The blanket that wrapped her tiny frame when she was found, a dress I made for her, and a photo album full of firsts this past year.  I remind myself that this is for her, but deep down inside I think it’s for me…. Help me work through some the pain.

We have always held her “loosely” in the sense that we knew that she could go at any time.  How it all went down was not expected or makes sense.  Since we have been told that adoption is impossible for us at this moment, I had hoped that walking into the court room someone would be there looking for her.  There had been a case in progress when they took us in to deal with ours.  At first I was confused as there was a man and a woman present.  I think I stared the gentleman down so much, wondering how he could possibly be related to Lilly.. “ She has his nose… yes that’s it… and look at the shape of his eyes.. and oh the shiny black hair with soft curls… it has to be him..”  For a moment I had hope that someone related to her wanted her.  Since no one came to claim her, we asked if transfer of care could be given to us until she was adoptable.   We were denied.  We were told she belonged to the safe house (a registered NGO) within Guatemala.  I say she belongs to God first!

Last night we packed up her little belongings along with her crib.  My room feels bigger and so much emptier along with my heart.   We held onto her as long as we could before I kissed her goodbye.  I feel so angry.  Why did she have to go into a place she has never known?  Matt and I know that regardless of when she left, it would be hard but at least if she was going to another family it would be better than a facility that is understaffed.  I had to pass her off to a teenager when I left.  A teenager that needs healing in her own wounds; not having the responsibility of caring for a baby.

In processing all this , a friend wrote me and shared this. “When God gives you the opportunity to learn more about love, you go for it.”  

And so I keep going.....