Walking Wounded

This past week has been one of the most emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining weeks for our family.  I felt like I was waiting all week for the inevitable.  It almost felt like a death of a loved one.  No one can ever prepare you enough until  you walk through the pain of loosing a child.  Feelings of guilt would overcome me as I wanted desperately to spend every waking hour with Lilly.  We integrated her into the safe house slowly, increasing her time there with each day . Her cry changed and the sound of her voice was more hoarse.  She had diarrhea and no appetite.  She knew her little world was changing around her and she was gripping on to us with all she had.  Her hugs got tighter and lasted longer, her smile and excitement when she would see us, the calling for mom and dad, and the clapping of hands when we would pull up to the house after a stay at the safe house were all signs of her awareness that change was coming.

I am in the process of putting together a little box of some special memories.  The blanket that wrapped her tiny frame when she was found, a dress I made for her, and a photo album full of firsts this past year.  I remind myself that this is for her, but deep down inside I think it’s for me…. Help me work through some the pain.

We have always held her “loosely” in the sense that we knew that she could go at any time.  How it all went down was not expected or makes sense.  Since we have been told that adoption is impossible for us at this moment, I had hoped that walking into the court room someone would be there looking for her.  There had been a case in progress when they took us in to deal with ours.  At first I was confused as there was a man and a woman present.  I think I stared the gentleman down so much, wondering how he could possibly be related to Lilly.. “ She has his nose… yes that’s it… and look at the shape of his eyes.. and oh the shiny black hair with soft curls… it has to be him..”  For a moment I had hope that someone related to her wanted her.  Since no one came to claim her, we asked if transfer of care could be given to us until she was adoptable.   We were denied.  We were told she belonged to the safe house (a registered NGO) within Guatemala.  I say she belongs to God first!

Last night we packed up her little belongings along with her crib.  My room feels bigger and so much emptier along with my heart.   We held onto her as long as we could before I kissed her goodbye.  I feel so angry.  Why did she have to go into a place she has never known?  Matt and I know that regardless of when she left, it would be hard but at least if she was going to another family it would be better than a facility that is understaffed.  I had to pass her off to a teenager when I left.  A teenager that needs healing in her own wounds; not having the responsibility of caring for a baby.

In processing all this , a friend wrote me and shared this. “When God gives you the opportunity to learn more about love, you go for it.”  

And so I keep going.....