every now and then it's good to let it out

Well today made for an interesting one.  I woke up this morning and busied myself in the kitchen preparing chocolate cake for 30 inmates.  Our prison 
bible study invited our family in for lunch. We felt honoured knowing how difficult it is for them to afford such a gesture.  They went all out and made chicken ( feet included) with potatoes and rice.  At one point Mercedes needed to use their facilities.  I was apprehensive but they insisted on showing us the bathroom.  The toilet was next to the stove top burner.  I think I threw up a little in my mouth seeing where the food had been prepared.  Sometimes it is better NOT to know.  Since the area is very small and at times it feels like the walls are closing in, they set up tables  in the only open available area.  Directly over the sewage drain.  Sweet little Mercedes, leaned in and whispered, "mom, something smells funny".   I reminded her to be a little gracious and told her that not many 6 year olds get the opportunity to eat lunch in a prison in a developing country, so just go with it.  Needless to say the kids did their best at the meal and looked very happy when I pulled out the chocolate cake.  For one lady, I know our visit means the world to her as she has had no one come to see her.  She hugged me and told me she loved me.  The very first bible study morning I brought in soaps/shampoo and t-shirts.  This particular lady makes sure she has that t-shirt on every Tuesday.  So precious!

The kids needed some down time with mom, so we hung out at home and the boys worked on their school project while Matt and Jay went out shooting film in Los Pinos.   Just as they were finishing up interviewing a handful of girls, a mom with her five kids showed up at the gate.  The youngest, being four months but looking like a two month, was very dehydrated and needed medical care urgently.  Leaving the other four behind, the mom (along with a nun)  got a ride into town with Matt.  He drove them straight to the hospital.   Just a couple hours later we received a call from Mother Claudia, asking us to pick them up and return them to Casa Hogar.  Since Matt is constantly bombing back and forth, I offered to do the drive.  When I arrived at the hospital, only the nun holding the baby hopped in the truck.  She shut the truck door and left the mother standing on the street corner.  I felt confused and waited  for her.  The nun looked at me and said she can't look after her children.  Of course I knew where this was heading but I still had so many questions.  I had a very hard time driving away.  I can't imagine what the mom was feeling.  This particular situation is sadly far too common here.  The father left his wife and their 5 children and she had no more to give.  Not enough food or resources to provide for her children. Out of desperation, she landed at the gates of Casa Hogar for help.  I have been exposed to so many difficulties and seen a lot of poverty.  In some ways it becomes 'normal" to see kids picking through the garbage every morning, or an 80 year old woman hauling wood or water, or kids my daughters age selling candy in the streets to help make a living for their families.  I don't want to become de-sensitized and accept it but I guess I already have.  Some things I will never understand.  I sometimes am disconnected or maybe guard my emotions, because if I didn't I would be weeping all the time.  Every now and then it's good to let it out. Tonight in the truck, the tears streamed down my cheeks.  I felt such a sadness and emptiness for this mom.  I know that this decision probably was not an easy one and that it is in the children's best interest, but it I couldn't imagine the pain.

Okay, so lately I have been having writers block and so much has happened I can't catch up.  Here are some photos to catch up!

We hiked a volcano to find this at the top!

The kids working on homeschooling.

Thanks to Will Leone and other donors for your generosity in supplying new plates , bowls,  cups, cooking pots and knives.

Matt explaining the functionality of each knife.

Visiting Eddie's family for their daughter's first birthday.  Thank you Brian Pol for your generous donation of bears and  T-shirts. 

One Easter we will never forget.  Instead of an easter egg hunt, we delivered bunches of bananas to the village of Los Pinos and left a surprise with each one.

Kids came running with anything they could find to fill with bunches and bunches of bananas.

Thank you Lindy Menzies for all the knitted hats you brought.  They come in handy on all those chilly nights.

Great craft idea that Nicole Bilton planned!

Our newest Canadian friend ( Nicole) who came for a night and ended up staying the week with us.

Denied

It was like the feeling of waiting for a pregnancy test result.  Fearful, nervous and excited all at once.  We opened the long awaited package from the visa office with anticipation for good news.  I felt a little sick with mixed emotions as I watched Matt open the envelope and wait to  respond.  I knew already that the application was denied by the hesitation and look on his face.  I just couldn't  look at Fransesca and my eyes hit the floor and just stared.  I felt defeated, discouraged and questioned why over and over again.  I mean, I understand in some ways why but not the reason completely.  Was is just wishful thinking?  What are the chances?  I looked up and embraced a tear filled Fransesca in my arms.  I didn't know what to say other than we will keep trying.
We are learning more and more of Fransesca's life and it is so heart wrenching listening to her story unfold.  She broke down crying the other night just thinking about us leaving.  She said that she doesn't understand how her own family who live here in Jalapa don't take the time to see her and her sisters and yet a family from Canada has come to invest in the lives of these young girls.  She thanked me for our love.  I feel like it is never enough.  It is not only my love but the out pouring of God and what He has done in my life.  Trying to process the different emotions, has been very difficult lately for Matt and I.




It has been an emotionally hard  week for us as a family.  The start of it all was the dreaded early morning phone call.  The kind of call, when you miss,  it rings on again until someone answers.  My  thoughts immediately went  home to family.  I  wondered, did something happen, is everyone okay?  Instead it was one of our dear nuns from Casa Hogar, with the sad news of the new babies death.   A baby boy was born last Sunday weighing in at only 4lbs.  The mother was sent back to the orphanage with her baby and little knowledge of taking care of him.  I was eager to help.  Only three days later, the baby died of unknown causes. Early that Wednesday morning,  Matt drove deep into the mountains in search for the young girls' family as she wept beside him holding her dead baby.  Death robs lives at very young ages.  Just the other week I learned of an 8 month old baby who died of dehydration.  Poor drinking water leading to chronic diarrhea.  Many little graves line the fields in the cemetery in Jalapa and I can't imagine how many more up in the mountain communities.

Spiritual Roadblock

Have you ever faced one?  Do you ever feel like there is a wall between you and God and no matter how hard you try, nothing seems to break it?  I've been struggling the last few days with this feeling.  It's a dangerous place to be, because it gives the enemy some playing ground.  I haven't subjected myself to listening to God much these days.  I guess in some ways I'm afraid to, because He may require more of me than I can give. I am afraid of what He may ask of me next.  Yet despite it all, in so many ways God has been showing up and I am reminded I am not alone.

 I was stopped by the police a couple weeks ago on my way back into town from the mountain.  I expectedly pulled out my license and felt sure it would merely be a quick stop.  I never thought about the insurance papers for the truck.  I opened the glove box and frantically searched for a tiny piece of paper that never appeared.  My heart beat  quickened and I felt a little panicked.  I soon realized Matt had the papers stuffed in his wallet.  After making a quick phone call, I was told to wait.  During the attempted conversation with the police that started out a wee bit threatening, I knew God was with me. The tone lightened a lot and in the end there wasn't even a ticket.  As I drove away from that road block that day, I  thanked the Lord for the police finding favour with me and that He was protecting me.  Too often I think that God isn't listening or there when things don't go right.  I get trapped into thinking just about myself. If I think beyond myself and trust that God has perfect timing and knows best, I can be used for His kingdom.  I am continually learning to look for the positives in every day and have a thankful heart.  God is still working even when I don't understand or see it.

Where's your security?

Jay and I at Casa Hogar (truck in background)

This past Sunday was a very different experience.  After dropping off a former student of mine at the airport we accepted a new Canadian volunteer named 'Jay'.  He has been travelling through Central America with his camera and video equipment taking in the culture and entrenching himself in the happenings of different missions.  On our way back home to Jalapa we exchanged stories and I primarily focused on the frustrations of how Casa Hogar needs a better maintenance plan.  Embarrassingly enough the truck broke down on the side of the mountain highway due to a loose battery terminal, a dirty rad and limited supply of oil in the engine.  I'm sure the thought rolling through his mind right away was "And you are helping them with maintenance?"

The truck is such an important tool here
to deliver supplies, carry people, and
to drive over the rough terrain.

We began to wiggle wires, check fluids and attempted to restart vehicle after each adjustment to only end in the same disfunction.  I reassured him the truck has been nothing but a maintenance nightmare as I quickly called my friend and new employee Arnold to get us out of the bind.  As we waited at the side of the road many of my fears of bandits that I had in my first visits here came through my head.  Knowing that we were going to have to wait this out until help came I prayed quickly that we could get the truck going and relax in the safety of our home.
 Only waiting a quick moment a man in another black Toyota pick-up in the same model as mine stopped and got out of his truck and offered help.....and in English to boot.  He told us that he was at his home when a few people in a passing bus yelled out to him that some people need help with their truck around the corner.  He quickly wiggled the same wires we had, checked the fluids again and proceeded to sit in the driver's seat and started the truck.

Might as well snap a photo while waiting on the road.

I wish I could have seen my face when the car started because it just didn't make sense.  The man stepped out of my truck, shook hands, walked towards his truck and went on his way. I called Arnold to stop him from coming to save us in the mountains and we went home.
 Often the fears we carry are real and can be justified, however God used that small instance to show me that He is always present and that we only need to lean on Him for our security.  I often laugh at how I try to accomplish or control things on my own and how God can quickly turn those events on my head.
To carry the story further, as soon as Jay and I got home Arnold (without prompting or indication) pulled in behind us immediately with the tools to fix the problem.  Arnold also showed us that a little lemon juice and baking soda can clean the corrosion off of terminals in a pinch......got to love the ingenuity of Guatemalans.  When God provides He does so in ways that you can't imagine.
Needless to say the truck has been running much better and we are truly thankful for the provision of safety, aid and friendship as we continue on with our mission.
Praise God.