Be Still My Heart

The waiting is refining.  It is a sharpening of my faith.  My heart flutters and falls and I guard it so close.  And even when it hurts I still praise Him.  Not too long ago, I was listening to a sermon based off John 11.  The story unfolds with the sickness of Lazarus, brother to Mary and Martha and dear friend to Jesus.  The sisters were concerned for their dying brother and asked Jesus to come quickly.  Time passed and Lazarus died.  You can well imaging the state of the women. Anger, sorrow, rejection and the looming question of why?  Jesus in all His glory, told the oceans to calm and they did at the command of His voice.  Why then, did He let his friend die?  Through the storms of life, can we honestly still praise Him?   God wanted to show His glory.  That no matter what comes our way, in it, through it and at the end of it, can we stand and still give Him all glory?  That no matter what, we praise Him because HE never promises to be a a spotlight unto our path.  He shows us little by little so we walk in faith.   I feel that most of my christian life I have been walking around aimlessly honouring things and people.  I found comfort in the things the world offered.  I was blind.  Asking God to do more than we can imagine takes courage.  Something I am lacking these days.  I fear that if I ask, He will require more.  And last time I asked,  I found myself packing up my life as I knew it to move to a developing country.
I didn't have to be shipwrecked to  have faced my own storms.  I didn't need to be locked in prison to know what is feels like to be trapped.  It's hard to share when you don't know what the next day, week or month will bring.  We have been waiting for answers for while.  The adoption process has been staggering and draining.  I constantly feel my family life is under a microscope.  Going through short unexpected meetings and uncertain delays I feel like we are still making  progress.  I sat on my roof top one late November afternoon.  I had it out with God.  I was angry over the things that unfolded.  I was frustrated and confused.  I spent over two hours up there that night, while my amazing husband took on the food preparations for dinner.  Matt knew I needed the space.   More importantly HE knew and when we take the time to slow down and listen, God has so much to share. The dark clouds rolled away over the jagged mountain tops and there  was the most beautiful sky painted in hues of warm red, yellow and orange.   And to my left, just above some trees,  a harvest moon that I could almost reach out and grab.  God reminded me that when He calls, He also equips, when He leads, I need to follow, and that He gets all glory through every situation.  No matter the outcome.  No matter what.
We are still waiting.  But I can honestly say glory to God because He is in all things.

funerals, graduations and baptisms

It's the unexpected call that comes from a loved one.  The one that stops you in your tracks, grief stricken, tear streaked face hanging low.  This is the second grandma my husband has lost in the last year.  It's no surprise, as age weathers a body and health fails over and over.  My immediate gut feeling..fly home husband, go be near family, bury your loved grandma and celebrate her life.  He hung his head and said no... not now.
His strength I admire, his fight is strong and his heart pure.  He laid awake all night the night before the news with other news of Lily.  Praying for wisdom and strength as the fight to adopt comes near an end.  The unexpected, the unknown all laying in His hands.  When God closes a door, somewhere there is a window.  And we keep walking the road ahead.


With all the stresses we faced last week, there was much reason to celebrate.  We had the honour of attending Irma's graduation ceremony.  My heart hurt when I quickly  learned her parents didn't even show up to support this accomplishment.  I know Irma struggled her way through but has now completed her high school diploma.  An accomplishment made by only 10%-20% of this country.  And not one of her family members came.  We had the privilege of walking the stage to honour her with a bouquet of flowers and a photo to remember the moment.  I didn't feel right being the one to walk that stage.  Without the financial support of two very kind people back in Canada, she wouldn't receive this diploma.  And to them, I say thank you.  Thank you for living beyond yourself and investing in the opportunity for a 21 yr old to gain her basic high school diploma.  Her accomplishment has improved her self confidence in a world where women aren't valued.  With this under her belt, she plans to work and potentially continue on studying further in business.

There are so many things we get to experience living here.  Some amazing, some just plain old tough.   Some days I experience a sense of loss, but God quickly reminds me of the many blessings He has for all of us if we just acknowledge Him. Whether its a beautiful sunrise, smile on the face of one of our kids from the project, my son telling me he loves me, or God gently stirring my heart in the early hours of a morning with a scripture.  He calls all things into being.  The earth is full of His glory.....even the rocks would cry out if we weren't made to worship our King.  He is full of mystery yet is relatable.  I thank Jesus for gracing the dust of this earth.   He understands our hearts because He suffered.  When we follow Him we step into His suffering and all of a sudden the bible stories aren't just images of animals and people on Sunday school felt boards.  They are relatable.   It's the place where real relationship grows.  God in me and I in Him.

I am not there, but  I celebrate the life change that is happening in one my dear friends' son. He made a choice to step out of comfort and seek his own path.  He choose to attend youth group, and just recently was baptized.  He still struggles.  Of course!  Just because we are baptized into new life with Him, doesn't  make us immune to sin and trials.  In fact it is to be expected.  When we choose to walk with God, the road is narrow.  It is the beginning to a beautiful story with a God full of love, compassion and grace.

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."   Matthew 28:19

It was never intended to be this way.

I studied biology in university and learned of how we have natural cycles of various sizes.  One example is oxygen and glucose entering the cell and activating a cyclical chemical reaction that produces carbon dioxide, which in turn is taken by plants to produce glucose and oxygen.  Or, how we consume food and eliminate the remainder which in turn returns to the earth to bring nutrient once again to grow more food.  These are just two of a slue of other natural cycles that exist, but they show how our understanding of life is: be what you are-> change into something else -> cycle back to the original.

To say that God didn't intend death to occur would be difficult for me to accept because He made so many beautiful systems and cycles to take care of all of what is needed to be recycled.  However, God did set us aside from all of His creation as something unique that could be in eternal relationship with Him.  We were given a special pass from the rest to become supernatural beings with a soul.  My brain rattles a bit around these questions: 'If we were built to live forever, were we even a living biological being or just a spirit in physical form?  Was God in the same form as Adam and Eve when walking in the Garden of the Eden?  Did this change once sin came in the world and we anchored our soul to a now mortal physical form?  Am I just a little nuts and only ponder about this after gluing my kids project together?'

Regardless of all of these thoughts, it is important to realize that we were made different and do live for eternity in a spiritual realm.  It is also important to note that sin separated us from God and that to have eternal life with Him only comes when we accept Him as our saviour and Lord over our lives.  Our experience with death is complicated.  As Christians we admit to an afterlife but do we believe in it?  And if you do believe in it,  how might you live differently knowing that this here is the short run?  Why is it so painful to experience the death of a loved one when you know they are in eternal paradise?

Shortly after the death of my Grandma Wilson we attended
a funeral of my friend's grandmother.  It was a good time to
mourn both their deaths as I wept in the graveyard of Jalapa
with the multitude of others that were equally pained with
the result that sin produces.

Personally I have experienced the death of both of my grandmothers while working here in Guatemala.  On both occasions I was relieved to know that my grandmothers were right with Christ and that they are blessed to be living an amazing life in glory.  However, this never lifted the burden of my sorrow that they are now separated from me.  Maybe I'm selfish, but I loved having my grandmothers here, learning about our family origins, and bonding with someone that really cared for me and my interests too.  I know I'm not unique with this feeling.  Even Jesus Himself cried in anger at the death of His friend.  I remember our pastor in Canada speaking that even though Jesus had the power to raise the dead He still wept because we were not intended to exist this way.  That when sin entered the world we created a divide between us and God.  Thankfully for Christ He bridged that gap for us and we can be in relationship with Him again.

I urge readers of this blog to seek out a relationship with God and carry out a life with Him.  If you need help in what to do next, please don't hesitate to message Mandy or myself, or contact a local church and get connected.  If hell is the complete separation of us from God, we unfortunately get a small taste of it when someone dies.  I know my grandmothers are in a better place.  I will continue to strive to live for Christ and someday I will get to see my grandparents and other loved ones that continue to follow Christ.  But until then, I am left with the reminder that sin isolates us and breaks up the original intended plan God had for our lives.

Not Understanding Your Impact

Over the last few years Mandy and I have had the awesome opportunity to share our journey and mission life with a variety of visitors.  These people walk away from Jalapa with a changed heart and perspective that they could not get through a TV screen, a mission conference, a conversation with us about Guatemala, or even a blog post.  We were created to be relational and to be the body of the church working together to solve the world's problems.  Without these visitors making contact here in Guatemala, it would take great faith and empathy to begin to sympathize with the issues and understand the struggle.  It is not to say that we don't care about the issues of others when we do not go directly to aid with their strife, however we can not be the most effective relational support from a distance.  Sharing burdens with others invites them into a more intimate relationship, exactly like God calls us to cast our burdens onto Him so we can be intimate in our relationship with Him.

In the past few months I have seen some men have the opportunity to blessing and carry the burden of others.  One gentleman came a few weeks back and he shared that he was quite well travelled based on his work as a pilot.  Landing in various parts of the world and staying for brief periods of time didn't always allow for a thorough look at what life entailed.  Despite the exposure to various landscapes and obvious differences in demographics from country to country, there was little opportunity to truly get connected with others.  During his trip to Shadow of His Wings Orphanage (show.org) he had the opportunity to share and sympathize in the life of the abused, neglected, abandoned and orphaned children and women of Monjas, Guatemala.  His kind and generous heart was broken from what he saw.  He had a difficult time articulating the change he felt, but I best believe he could have described it as God broke his heart to make room for a renewed one that was growing.  Did these people do anything special for him? In short, no.  They were just willing to share their life with someone.  Their impact on his life was huge and now he has made it a mission to seek sponsorship for the children at SOHWO.  Those kids don't know the impact that they make but they do make one for the glory of God by being in relationship with others.

Another person I would like to share about is a former neighbour of mine.  We were blessed to have him and his family to come and visit us this past summer.  He is well travelled visiting various countries in various stages of development and has been exposed to different cultural practices.  During his visit, he saw more of the business end of what I deal with in Jalapa.  In those few days he heard stories from others about theft, extortion, corruption, limited access to resources, limited financial gains, and other social complexities that limit construction and businesses.  For the most part,  I thought he took most of it in stride and was underwhelmed based on his travels.  However, upon return to Canada it became obvious to me that he wrestled hard with what he saw.  Despite seeing and talking to people in different factories around the world, he really hadn't experienced their personal lives outside of work or discussed business issues on a tiny scale like he had with my business partner Leonel.  Time and time when we met back in Canada he discussed the hardships people go through and that making gains in developing countries meets lots of opposition.  The impact of what he saw and becoming more  relational with the people of Guatemala,  pushed him to speak to others about the difficulties people have in the developing world and to think about what can be done to help.   Leonel sharing his life experiences to my old neighbour brought about change.  I'm sure if you were to ask Leonel if he was trying to create an impression,  his answer would would be the same as in the previous story.

Regardless of what our thoughts are about our lives and how we perceive whether we make an impact or not is somewhat irrelevant.  Being who God intended you to be and caring enough to share your life with others does make an impact.  Mandy and I feel at times stuck and not able to see the purpose but sometimes we are fortunate enough to get reminders that others are moved by the direction we have taken.  I encourage all readers to go out and connect with people and tell those who have inspired change in your life that they have moved you.  With that being said, I want to thank all of our readers, and responders to our blog.  Your comments and willingness to partake in our lives spurs us to carry on like a marathon runner limping towards the finish line whose spirits are lifted by the cheers of the supporters along the route.

The dark night closed in.  My body ached with every twist and turn to find comfort.  The intense aroma of my essential oils spilled out of my diffuser throughout my room, but I didn't even notice.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't swallow, I couldn't move and now I couldn't sleep.  After all, this was day three in bed.  I noticed the emptiness beside me.  Usually the sound of the rise and fall of his chest is comforting, the warmth from his body close.  Only cold sheets, as I stretched my foot across the bed.  It was 1:30 am and I crept down the stair case.  A warm glow came from beneath the office door and I knew this was a late night project for him.  A project, a short commercial if you will, a promotional tool for an upcoming  'Orphan Sunday'.  The very thought of this was never God's design.  Why should children be abandoned, neglected and abused?  And over and over my mantra remains, ' God break my heart for that which breaks yours'.

Our journey of fostering has taught me more of the character of Christ.  To love unconditionally, to walk along side and invest in relationship even if it means I am at risk of being lied too and disrespected.  To give a out of a place with a return of no expectations.  To love and and not be loved at times.  Where did we go wrong?   We sat many times explaining the importance of a marriage, a Godly man that would love and respect the way Jesus intends.  An adult trapped in a child's body, our oldest of the four sisters is pregnant.  All eyes would be looking to see how we would handle this.  A life of abuse and orphan care,  transitioned into a family that sets standards and accountability.  That loves no matter what.  Because that is who we are .. family.

 If only she could see it.  Following the exact footsteps of family history.  The sin that entangles and chokes out anything that is pure.  Generation after generation. Proverbs 26:11 says ' As a dog returns to it's vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness'  I can't tell you how many times I have returned to the sin that so easily entangles, but there is hope, and there is freedom, when we have it in Jesus.  He can break any stronghold and set any captive free.

I have learned that blood is thicker than water and the return to biological mom was what she wanted.  And we stay true to our word, and our love.  Just like the father received his son after he left for some time, God is always ready and waiting to embrace us when we are ready.  And we keep allowing our faith to be stretched and our hearts hurt.  Because He is love and we love him.

We stand in need of prayer and wisdom.  Join us, would you?

Finding Peace

Good looking bunch of guys ready to be stretched by God.

Yesterday I went out with a group from Langley, BC to drop off food baskets to widows and the elderly who cannot provide enough sustenance for themselves and their families.  We drove through the streets of Monjas searching for adobe huts and corrugated steel shanties mixed amongst new building developments.  The contrast of those who have and those who don't couldn't be more apparent.

We crouched into a home that was only tall enough for the people inside.  Others were ample in interior space but were as dark as night inside with a veil of smoke lingering in the air due to a lack of windows and ventilation.  The only light that entered inside was the opening of the rickety door or a single light bulb shining through a sooty cob webbed film in the centre of the room.  Where the light managed to touch these people's home, unveiled a hard life where scavenging and improvised use of materials is a necessity to survive.  Our group of Canadians entered each place in a sober manner.  All of us stood quiet listening to the translator but I'm not sure how much was being absorbed. It wasn't that we were exhausted or insensitive, but we couldn't help but feel the burden being put on our shoulders like a lead apron as we entered these places. Thoughts race through my mind like: 'How is this possible?' 'TV telethons have not done this justice.' 'God where is the church supporting these people?' 'I have been abundantly blessed.' 'I feel dirty being here.' 'How do these people stay safe?'

One house in particular stood out for me from the rest.  As we pulled up to the adobe home a tiny elderly woman that looked like she was in her 90s but was actually in her 70s gave us a weathered leathery grin and held out her droopy wrinkled arms to embrace our leader.  After we huddled into her home, she positioned us in front of her 50 year old daughter's bed.  While we stood there the sheets began to rustle and her daughter began to emerge from below.  To our shock her daughter was half naked and exposed to all of us in the room.  With a complete disregard to our presence, the exposed daughter tugged at the bottom of her mom's apron.  Feelings of discomfort were easily seen on the faces across the room as the mother in a loving frustration grabbed a shirt and dressed her naked adult child.  We now had learned that her daughter was born with a severe mental disability and would never achieve independence from the home.  Upon turning around from dressing her girl she thanked us for bringing food and supplies because it is hard to make a living when she is constantly taking care of her daughter.  She continued on to say that she wanted God to take her child from her before she dies.  The thought of her dying before her daughter is too painful to bare knowing that there isn't anyone to take care of her precious daughter.

Just an example of what conditions people live in while being
surrounded by new housing development.

I don't know what everyone else was thinking, but I was mad, frustrated, and crushed.  This woman's biggest prayer request was to have peace through the painful loss of a child.  If anyone deserved to have peace it was this woman and the sacrificial hell that she has lived to make ends meet for her and her daughter for fifty plus years.  But that was what crushed me, she deserved a better life.  She could have walked away from the responsibility of her daughter and received no consequence in this corrupt nation, but she didn't because she dutifully served her daughter out of her reverence to God and His provision.  I truly believe that she knows we are not worthy of God's grace and that she is thankful to her Creator which is why she still found joy even in her circumstance.  The idea of deserving something probably doesn't exist for her as she seeks contentment in the little she does have.

We prayed for her and left her home keeping the weight of the burden as to what we saw.  The group from Canada was obviously shaken up.  Pausing outside of the door I teared up and became laboured in my breathing.  I had only shared about 10 minutes of my life with this woman but I was in turmoil from seeing the broken pieces of her life and the glory from God she was reflecting.  At times I stress over all sorts of tiny things, and here was this woman praising God for His abundant provision.  To be honest, I actually held a sort of envy for what this woman had.  She received something that many of us probably never will get to know, which is a peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:6,7).

It is hard walking away from situations like that and not feeling defeated.  I have no doubt that everyone in our group wanted to fix her problem, but the reality is we already have been given our due share to manage and our best was to love, pray and offer a bit of aid in a moment of obvious need.  The act of compassion gives us the opportunity to be in communion with their pain and respond in a way to support their misfortunes. What my family and I experience and see on a day to day basis is something we want to share with others.  To have the opportunity to gain a different perspective where people can find peace in dire circumstance is life changing.  To be compassionate to people struggling to survive and seeing them find the peace that God provides is truly one of the most humbling experiences a person can go through.  My hope for all of you is to experience and see God's peace and light in those dark places.

Peace,

Matt

The Unpleasant Blessing of Understanding Christ

For those who follow our blog and journey within missions in Jalapa, know that there have been many trials.  I wouldn't deny the fact that we have been under spiritual attack since we started in November 2013.  Wave upon wave of attacks.  We have endured crushing blows that feel unbearable.   Although feeling at times like we were cast in a pit of despair   we have managed to climb out and learned how to take blows and press forward in the name of Jesus. 

Through each attack we have learned to lean on Christ and His community.  When times are tough we turn to people to pray for us and gain a better understanding of how to live through it.   Coming to God in utter dependency during these times has taught us humility that we can't always fix problems (not temptations - those we can handle) but that we need to leave that to Him. 

Satan really does have an impressive arsenal in which he lays his attacks.  He can twist people's perceptions so they can be the weapon for his war.  The damage that is doled out is so diabolical that not only does it hurt the victim but the attacker as well.  Furthermore, the damage dealt can transform the victim to be the attacker and for the attacker to become a bigger and better weapon to inflict more pain.  Like a virus, sin grows and infects its host.  Those who want to be a beacon for God's kingdom are a prime target.

Here in Guatemala we see the sin of 'survive at all cost'.  Many people here live difficult lives and really struggle to get by.  Theft of food, money, things, and even people to be trafficked or enslaved occur so a family can have enough resources to 'live a better life'.  Even when aid is given it isn't enough and they wait and demand for more.  Investing in some people here can be difficult because they have let this entitled attitude to fester in their soul.  These takers become frustrated when you don't dole out cash or food, because advice (spiritual, personal, relational or financial) carries little value.  Sometimes I feel that the expression, 'You can feed a man to fish and he will eat for a day, but if you teach him to fish he will eat for a lifetime.' should have included 'However some people just want to be fed and could care less to have a net or pole because there is plenty of fish in the sea and there are others willing to fish.' 
 
This is our latest battle that we are experiencing in the transition program.  It may be hard to believe that kids rescued from bad situations and raised in loving support would turn on those who helped them.  Unfortunately it is a common story and one that hurts a lot.  Through our past pains I have learned not to worry about it but to give it to God (Matthew 6: 25-34 - Thanks pastor Steve).  To find the blessing in the struggle is become more like Christ.  We can recognize the pain is of this world and its problems but the goodness of God's provision and strength is what gets us to our end game in glory.  Even though my hair is getting whiter by the second, my body is falling into fatigue, and my hands tremble from the stress of life, I can appreciate the thorn that is in my side (2 Corinthians 12: 5-10) because it forces me to be dependent on Him to fight the infection of sin.