Seasons

I have found myself many times in this place.  My rooftop has become my sanctuary.  My place of worship, praise and prayer and yet times of wonder and emptiness.  I have seen brilliant sunrises and watched beautifully painted skies descend behind mountaintops.  I have watched dark clouds form while rain showered distant hills. Some nights I have escaped with my love to gaze upon stars,  make wishes and dream big dreams together.   I have laid at the altar of His throne here weeping, rejoicing and praising.  

This tree symbolizes God’s faithfulness in the seasons we enter. Recently I have watched the leaves drop and new growth appear.  It was almost overnight that this tree was full of life again.  I love how God allows us to shed old leaves to make room for new life.  No matter how long this tree has been here or will be, it must go through this process.  Shedding old to have new life, new growth.  

I sat here in front of this tree 3 years ago with the devastating news that Lily was chosen for another family.  I kneeled here and begged God for His best for her life.  I worshipped and thanked Him for allowing us to be that family. And now, I am yet again completely undone by His unfailing love and blessing as Lily was approved for a visitors’ visa to Canada!  Thank you Lord for seasons of new growth. Canada look out, because you have one seriously excited little girl coming!

New Life

One of the most beautiful expressions of a fathers' love was witnessed in a humble block home.  A man in his wheelchair  reached up to pray a blessing upon his 17 year old daughter who was in labour.  For months she has carried the burden of this unborn child.  Every visit we had, her head hung low in shame and tears would flow down her cheeks and every time she looked at her sick, crippled father, the regret only grew deeper.  She felt ashamed, regretful embarrassed and an inconvenience. The phone call came in yesterday afternoon that the labour pains had started.  I volunteered to be on standby as a support.

I felt so helpless as I drove her down the bumpy road as fast as I could.  Coaching her to breathe during each contraction, I was reminded of the birth my children.  My husband was amazing in getting me to where I needed to go.  And I knew that I would be in good care upon arrival.  So far from the reality I faced with this precious young girl.
Upon arrival at the hospital we tripped over a construction site only to find a long corridor filled with patients waiting to be seen.  The tiny room where they took her vitals wreaked of urine and feces.  I gagged as I stood on the sideline waiting patiently for them to move her along.  We were directed to sit in the hall on an unstable wooden bench across from 4 other young teenage pregnant girls.  They were there for simple checkups.  My girl clenched her fist tight with every labour pain as I gently stroked her back.  I was confused.  Why was she not being attended too.  A lady a few feet away writhed in pain and a young 3 year old boy screamed on the floor clasping his broken arm.  I didn't know where to look but down. Dirty cotton scattered the floor and the little curtain that hung in the doorway was bloodstained and grimy. The sound of pounding cement and jackhammer might of drowned out the noise of the pain inside.  But I still heard it.  It was chaotic and felt like a bit of hell.  I had to get out.  I couldn't stand the suffering.  I stood to look out the tiny window fighting to hold back every tear.  "Lord please don't ever let me forget this experience", I prayed.  The comforts of home seemed too far away in that moment, but I knew I would climb back in my car and head back to it.  But so many people don't.

After hours of waiting, the doctor sent her home.  False labour. He said she was too early.  With purchased medicine we climbed back into the car to go home. I wasn't completely confident over the diagnosis, but trusted God had His hand on these precious lives.  Two days later I received another message only this one with the news that she welcomed her baby girl into this world.

As I visited the other day, I watched the family surround this young mom with joy, love and support. I love that we serve a God that loves us no matter where we've been and welcomes us stained by sin and raises our chin and tells us He dearly loves us.

My Normal

I just want to feel normal, I told her as I sat in the airport waiting for my flight. I literally erupted in laughter as my friend responded over text with "you are a Canadian living in Guatemala on donations, with a backyard full of birds and chickens,  neighbours that kidnap your dog and hold them for ransom, and you drive around on a moto with perfect posture while wearing a gas mask.  You will never be normal." I have often thought back on those words last December as those feelings surface from time to time.

 Part of the journey living here in Guatemala has been finding a new normal.  A new way of speaking, grocery shopping, preparing food, dressing, exercising, doing church and the list goes on.  Balancing the extremes of great wealth mixed with extreme poverty and trying to make sense of it all.  My mom was just down visiting and asked the million dollar question.  "How do you balance it?"  Time for the truth.  I am still trying to figure it out.  I feel like it's never enough; that I'm never enough.  And the truth is, it never will be nor will I.  I pray everyday that I am a good steward of the gifts God has given me.   He has blessed us abundantly and  we have a responsibility to share our blessing with others.  I can't feel bad and own the burdens of what I see, but with prayer I can share what God has given to me.

We try and teach our kids this life lesson as well and yet I am learning so much from them.  One day while out doing our weekly soup/food drop for 2 of our local widows, Max taught me not only to bless but bring my best.  My oldest son has started his own chicken farm project.  He is raising chickens, selling eggs as well as birds for meat consumption. A simple poster taped to our front door is his marketing strategy. Week after week his sales were low and he was feeling discouraged after making a large investment.  He asked me that day if he could join me for the rounds.  To my surprise he ran and grabbed his prized hen.  It was so huge it could have had it's own seat in the car. I mean huge like flapping feathers in my face as I drove.  As we bounced along the bumpy road, he referenced a biblical story of sacrificing the best sheep.  He said that God had given him an opportunity that many don't have and that it was time to give to God what belongs to Him.  This was Friday night.  Upon arriving home, the door would not stop calling.  By Sunday, Max sold all his birds.

Today while I was out doing my rounds I just may have stepped in human feces as I delivered soup,  I   was chased by an angry goose, I stood in a dark smoke filled shack, held weathered dirty hands, was labelled 'gringa' by kids in the street, and was stared down as I went looking for a lady in the dump community.  All of this may sound abnormal or call it crazy but it's my normal and I will never be the same.

Family Matters

The adoption journey for us has been a crazy one to say the least.  When we got Lily back in August 30, 2016, I thought most of the difficult journey was over.  In reality it separated our family from being complete for nearly six months.  Whether it was myself working in Canada to sustain my status with the school board, Mandy visiting family and sponsors, Max studying in high school, Gabe and Mercedes travelling to and from Guatemala with mom or dad, or running fundraising events each time Mandy or myself would have to stay in Guatemala with Lily while the other travelled.  This fragmentation of our family was premature.  Despite the discomfort created, God used this opportunity to shape us a bit as we were put to the fire yet again.

We are now entering the next set of battles that need to be conquered: the jostling of sibling position; living as a biracial family in an almost pure latino environment; eliminating contact between Lily and the orphanage as she establishes our family as being home; gathering all legal documents to apply for a Canadian visa; and living as a family unit that has jumped into having a family member being in the toddler stage.  Regardless of all of life's challenges we know as a family that we are doing this together.  Breaking up the troops is not an option, at least until the time is right to deploy one from the platoon for their next set of battles into adulthood.  We give praise daily for our family and what lies on the road ahead.  To God be the glory, for the great things He has done and still is doing.

Reset

"Don't trip at the finish line"...he says. Now he's speaking my language. Being a long distance runner, I know full well that the last leg of the race is by far the toughest. It's in the last few km I just want to give up, stop, quit. This past week has been by far the toughest week while Matt has been away. I wanted to give up, quit and stop on a few occasions. The subtle whispers of 'why are you here, you will never make a difference'. The green eye monster that envies someone else's life style and the struggles go on and on. And I press in closer to His Word and have felt more of His love than ever before. I had the most intense dream the other night. I was being crucified. And I woke up hardly able to breathe. It was so crazy real to me all I could feel was a weight on me. I realized that the Lord is ever so near in times of pain and struggle. The enemy may try to trip us up but we have Christ's power in us. It was a beautiful reminder that my sin is crucified on the cross and that I am covered in Jesus' redemptive blood.
As much as these last two months at times have felt lonely, my prayer was to grow deeper with God. To love Him more than my marriage and children. I have experienced the most intimate times with God and in that have grown closer to my husband. Seventy five days have passed since I saw my children last and sixty five since I have seen my husband. And all the while people would make remarks of 'I don't know how you do it'. The truth is I didn't want to nor could I alone. When we re-set our lives for Him and focus on what is in front of us and do the very best with what we have, anything is possible. Now hurry up and come home FAMILY!!!!!!!

~Lily Grace~

I praise the name of Jesus!  I shout it from the rooftops that my God is a God of divine purpose.  It is all for His glory we worship Him.  He has found favour with us and is faithful.  May this story be a testimony of His goodness.  We aren't good enough.  We never will be!  But with faith we can come humbly before His throne and ask and He will listen.  I don't feel like I deserve this privilege to mother this beautiful girl.  The reality is it's nothing that we did, but God's ultimate favour and the story He is unfolding through Lily Grace.  I wake up every morning with the sweetest treasure at my bedside.  The gentle whisper of 'mommy' that I have waited for 2 years to hear.  Two years of praying, fighting, hoping and dreaming.  There came a time where my hopes faded to dreams and my dreams faded to numbness.  I wondered if God still heard the prayers from my rooftop.  The alter that I fell upon over and over as I asked "why God, when God?"  God took me on a journey of trusting Him and praising Him through the pain that I felt.  Where I recognized that everything is His.
We brought Lily home August 30th.  It was like she had been waiting her life to come home.  We sat anxiously in the CNA office that we frequented many times with lots of questions and little answers.  That Tuesday was different.  It was filled with much anticipation and excitement that felt surreal. We finally had an answer and it was YES!
 

paper signing

 

adventures at the zoo

It has been 21 days since I've seen my children, 11 days since I have seen my husband and 12 days since Lily has come home.  And it is really just the beginning.  Since Lily doesn't have papers to travel yet, Matt went on home to work for 2 months with the intent to apply for an unpaid adoption leave from the DSBN.  Our kids are attending school back in Canada for the time until they return with Matt.  I know there has been a lot of confusion with our family status but everything is complicated and a process so we prayerfully walk one step at a time trusting God through every decision.   There are days that I wonder how I am going to do this and then I remember that God is always with me and it's in His strength that all things are possible.  The truth is I can't do this on my own.  Being a single mom to a 3 yr old in Canada would be hard enough let alone here in Guatemala. I am very quickly remembering what it takes to raise a 3 yr old.  The other day I turned around for 2 minutes and Lily fed an almost entire pizza to our dog.  Needless to say, Lily is our dog's best friend and Samson will let her ride on his back like a horse.  Part of our time has been spent   ministering to the local widows and the other day I watched Lily's tiny hand reach up on top of Lucilla's head as she laid her hand upon her to pray.  I am so very thankful to Shadow of His Wings Orphanage for the biblical teaching and the inpouring of the Holy Spirit and for her house parents that taught her to pray.

I was home in Canada for a very short visit.  We were celebrating my parents 40th wedding anniversary and I had the honour to preach for the first time at church.  I love how God shows up.  My family was all gathered on the rocks of Port Elgin beach for a picture and my son Max came running over to me and said "mom look what I found.."  It was a rock that had the word HOPE written in bold red letters.  Hope that the sacrificed Lamb promises.  Hope that even the rocks shout out.  God reached out and spoke to me that day.  That He is the Hope of this world and that with faith in Him, mountains will move! I often don't have the words to describe the feelings of what I have experienced.  I love what Pastor Isaac Wimberley shared in "Jesus is Forever"
"So it's not just words that I proclaim, for my words point to The Word and The Word has a name.
Hope has a name
Joy has a name
Peace has a name
Love has a name and that name is Jesus Christ!
Praise His name forever!

I would never have imagined it......

I would never have imagined it.  I kick started my motor bike early this morning and took off with nothing but wind in my hair and dust at my heels.  I never would have thought my morning commute to work would involve a mouthful of bugs,  traffic jams of cows filing along the long windy road, and road kill of lizards and squished snakes.  (eek,  as I lift my feet out from under me)  The rolling mountains in the distance, the haze of smoke from fires burning fields and the oh' so glorious sunshine warming the cool, early morning.  There was a time when I actually did my hair before work.  Now this disheveled mop comes in the office with a layer of dust from head to toe.


I used to drive up to the parking lot in my humble mini van to work at Inn on the Twenty.  I detested the idea of becoming a 'mini van driving mom'.  I was way cooler than that.  I would pull in beside the row upon row of sporty looking cars and drool a little.  I thought to myself,  this mini van driving mama will upgrade.  One day I will be successful enough to afford it. I even had planned out what my license plate would say. Those days seem so far removed from any of my surroundings here in Monjas.  God is in the business of changing people and this heart of mine.

I love when teams come full of first timers.  I get to see things that I would otherwise be desensitized to.  A new lens to see.  Whether it's a passing motorist with a calf.. yes a calf on a moto, or the extreme impoverished homes we enter.  Eyes are opened.  We had a time of sharing around a fire at our home last week.  A night of devotion and reflection.  I love how one man spoke up and shared how just before he came to Guatemala, he was complaining that his french fries were cold.  Nothing wrong with wanting hot food that was paid for, but this thought fell on the heels of visiting a dear old lady in our community.  She had such a headache when we showed up to deliver a food basket earlier that afternoon .  She hadn't eaten yet that day.  The next stop .... baby Jeffery who just a few short weeks ago was literally starving to death.  Bringing the food is just a means to step through the threshold of their homes.  It's an obvious need that is met from time to time with our teams, but the greatest joy is bringing the love and gospel of Jesus. God isn't just wanting us to exist. He is calling us to be holy.   It is waking up everyday and choosing to make God first, spending time with our creator, and allowing Him to use us.  And the mission field is wherever you are!

I loved my work back home as a stylist.  I never really thought about how it was impacting God's kingdom.  From time to time I would share my faith when it felt safe.  I strived for success driven by a need to be recognized.  I stumbled my way through comparisons and pride.  I now know it doesn't matter where I live, what I drive or what I do.  I'm not saying that wanting to be successful and striving to do well are wrong.  It's a heart check, one that I know I needed.

Be Still My Heart

The waiting is refining.  It is a sharpening of my faith.  My heart flutters and falls and I guard it so close.  And even when it hurts I still praise Him.  Not too long ago, I was listening to a sermon based off John 11.  The story unfolds with the sickness of Lazarus, brother to Mary and Martha and dear friend to Jesus.  The sisters were concerned for their dying brother and asked Jesus to come quickly.  Time passed and Lazarus died.  You can well imaging the state of the women. Anger, sorrow, rejection and the looming question of why?  Jesus in all His glory, told the oceans to calm and they did at the command of His voice.  Why then, did He let his friend die?  Through the storms of life, can we honestly still praise Him?   God wanted to show His glory.  That no matter what comes our way, in it, through it and at the end of it, can we stand and still give Him all glory?  That no matter what, we praise Him because HE never promises to be a a spotlight unto our path.  He shows us little by little so we walk in faith.   I feel that most of my christian life I have been walking around aimlessly honouring things and people.  I found comfort in the things the world offered.  I was blind.  Asking God to do more than we can imagine takes courage.  Something I am lacking these days.  I fear that if I ask, He will require more.  And last time I asked,  I found myself packing up my life as I knew it to move to a developing country.
I didn't have to be shipwrecked to  have faced my own storms.  I didn't need to be locked in prison to know what is feels like to be trapped.  It's hard to share when you don't know what the next day, week or month will bring.  We have been waiting for answers for while.  The adoption process has been staggering and draining.  I constantly feel my family life is under a microscope.  Going through short unexpected meetings and uncertain delays I feel like we are still making  progress.  I sat on my roof top one late November afternoon.  I had it out with God.  I was angry over the things that unfolded.  I was frustrated and confused.  I spent over two hours up there that night, while my amazing husband took on the food preparations for dinner.  Matt knew I needed the space.   More importantly HE knew and when we take the time to slow down and listen, God has so much to share. The dark clouds rolled away over the jagged mountain tops and there  was the most beautiful sky painted in hues of warm red, yellow and orange.   And to my left, just above some trees,  a harvest moon that I could almost reach out and grab.  God reminded me that when He calls, He also equips, when He leads, I need to follow, and that He gets all glory through every situation.  No matter the outcome.  No matter what.
We are still waiting.  But I can honestly say glory to God because He is in all things.

funerals, graduations and baptisms

It's the unexpected call that comes from a loved one.  The one that stops you in your tracks, grief stricken, tear streaked face hanging low.  This is the second grandma my husband has lost in the last year.  It's no surprise, as age weathers a body and health fails over and over.  My immediate gut feeling..fly home husband, go be near family, bury your loved grandma and celebrate her life.  He hung his head and said no... not now.
His strength I admire, his fight is strong and his heart pure.  He laid awake all night the night before the news with other news of Lily.  Praying for wisdom and strength as the fight to adopt comes near an end.  The unexpected, the unknown all laying in His hands.  When God closes a door, somewhere there is a window.  And we keep walking the road ahead.


With all the stresses we faced last week, there was much reason to celebrate.  We had the honour of attending Irma's graduation ceremony.  My heart hurt when I quickly  learned her parents didn't even show up to support this accomplishment.  I know Irma struggled her way through but has now completed her high school diploma.  An accomplishment made by only 10%-20% of this country.  And not one of her family members came.  We had the privilege of walking the stage to honour her with a bouquet of flowers and a photo to remember the moment.  I didn't feel right being the one to walk that stage.  Without the financial support of two very kind people back in Canada, she wouldn't receive this diploma.  And to them, I say thank you.  Thank you for living beyond yourself and investing in the opportunity for a 21 yr old to gain her basic high school diploma.  Her accomplishment has improved her self confidence in a world where women aren't valued.  With this under her belt, she plans to work and potentially continue on studying further in business.

There are so many things we get to experience living here.  Some amazing, some just plain old tough.   Some days I experience a sense of loss, but God quickly reminds me of the many blessings He has for all of us if we just acknowledge Him. Whether its a beautiful sunrise, smile on the face of one of our kids from the project, my son telling me he loves me, or God gently stirring my heart in the early hours of a morning with a scripture.  He calls all things into being.  The earth is full of His glory.....even the rocks would cry out if we weren't made to worship our King.  He is full of mystery yet is relatable.  I thank Jesus for gracing the dust of this earth.   He understands our hearts because He suffered.  When we follow Him we step into His suffering and all of a sudden the bible stories aren't just images of animals and people on Sunday school felt boards.  They are relatable.   It's the place where real relationship grows.  God in me and I in Him.

I am not there, but  I celebrate the life change that is happening in one my dear friends' son. He made a choice to step out of comfort and seek his own path.  He choose to attend youth group, and just recently was baptized.  He still struggles.  Of course!  Just because we are baptized into new life with Him, doesn't  make us immune to sin and trials.  In fact it is to be expected.  When we choose to walk with God, the road is narrow.  It is the beginning to a beautiful story with a God full of love, compassion and grace.

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."   Matthew 28:19

It was never intended to be this way.

I studied biology in university and learned of how we have natural cycles of various sizes.  One example is oxygen and glucose entering the cell and activating a cyclical chemical reaction that produces carbon dioxide, which in turn is taken by plants to produce glucose and oxygen.  Or, how we consume food and eliminate the remainder which in turn returns to the earth to bring nutrient once again to grow more food.  These are just two of a slue of other natural cycles that exist, but they show how our understanding of life is: be what you are-> change into something else -> cycle back to the original.

To say that God didn't intend death to occur would be difficult for me to accept because He made so many beautiful systems and cycles to take care of all of what is needed to be recycled.  However, God did set us aside from all of His creation as something unique that could be in eternal relationship with Him.  We were given a special pass from the rest to become supernatural beings with a soul.  My brain rattles a bit around these questions: 'If we were built to live forever, were we even a living biological being or just a spirit in physical form?  Was God in the same form as Adam and Eve when walking in the Garden of the Eden?  Did this change once sin came in the world and we anchored our soul to a now mortal physical form?  Am I just a little nuts and only ponder about this after gluing my kids project together?'

Regardless of all of these thoughts, it is important to realize that we were made different and do live for eternity in a spiritual realm.  It is also important to note that sin separated us from God and that to have eternal life with Him only comes when we accept Him as our saviour and Lord over our lives.  Our experience with death is complicated.  As Christians we admit to an afterlife but do we believe in it?  And if you do believe in it,  how might you live differently knowing that this here is the short run?  Why is it so painful to experience the death of a loved one when you know they are in eternal paradise?

Shortly after the death of my Grandma Wilson we attended
a funeral of my friend's grandmother.  It was a good time to
mourn both their deaths as I wept in the graveyard of Jalapa
with the multitude of others that were equally pained with
the result that sin produces.

Personally I have experienced the death of both of my grandmothers while working here in Guatemala.  On both occasions I was relieved to know that my grandmothers were right with Christ and that they are blessed to be living an amazing life in glory.  However, this never lifted the burden of my sorrow that they are now separated from me.  Maybe I'm selfish, but I loved having my grandmothers here, learning about our family origins, and bonding with someone that really cared for me and my interests too.  I know I'm not unique with this feeling.  Even Jesus Himself cried in anger at the death of His friend.  I remember our pastor in Canada speaking that even though Jesus had the power to raise the dead He still wept because we were not intended to exist this way.  That when sin entered the world we created a divide between us and God.  Thankfully for Christ He bridged that gap for us and we can be in relationship with Him again.

I urge readers of this blog to seek out a relationship with God and carry out a life with Him.  If you need help in what to do next, please don't hesitate to message Mandy or myself, or contact a local church and get connected.  If hell is the complete separation of us from God, we unfortunately get a small taste of it when someone dies.  I know my grandmothers are in a better place.  I will continue to strive to live for Christ and someday I will get to see my grandparents and other loved ones that continue to follow Christ.  But until then, I am left with the reminder that sin isolates us and breaks up the original intended plan God had for our lives.

Not Understanding Your Impact

Over the last few years Mandy and I have had the awesome opportunity to share our journey and mission life with a variety of visitors.  These people walk away from Jalapa with a changed heart and perspective that they could not get through a TV screen, a mission conference, a conversation with us about Guatemala, or even a blog post.  We were created to be relational and to be the body of the church working together to solve the world's problems.  Without these visitors making contact here in Guatemala, it would take great faith and empathy to begin to sympathize with the issues and understand the struggle.  It is not to say that we don't care about the issues of others when we do not go directly to aid with their strife, however we can not be the most effective relational support from a distance.  Sharing burdens with others invites them into a more intimate relationship, exactly like God calls us to cast our burdens onto Him so we can be intimate in our relationship with Him.

In the past few months I have seen some men have the opportunity to blessing and carry the burden of others.  One gentleman came a few weeks back and he shared that he was quite well travelled based on his work as a pilot.  Landing in various parts of the world and staying for brief periods of time didn't always allow for a thorough look at what life entailed.  Despite the exposure to various landscapes and obvious differences in demographics from country to country, there was little opportunity to truly get connected with others.  During his trip to Shadow of His Wings Orphanage (show.org) he had the opportunity to share and sympathize in the life of the abused, neglected, abandoned and orphaned children and women of Monjas, Guatemala.  His kind and generous heart was broken from what he saw.  He had a difficult time articulating the change he felt, but I best believe he could have described it as God broke his heart to make room for a renewed one that was growing.  Did these people do anything special for him? In short, no.  They were just willing to share their life with someone.  Their impact on his life was huge and now he has made it a mission to seek sponsorship for the children at SOHWO.  Those kids don't know the impact that they make but they do make one for the glory of God by being in relationship with others.

Another person I would like to share about is a former neighbour of mine.  We were blessed to have him and his family to come and visit us this past summer.  He is well travelled visiting various countries in various stages of development and has been exposed to different cultural practices.  During his visit, he saw more of the business end of what I deal with in Jalapa.  In those few days he heard stories from others about theft, extortion, corruption, limited access to resources, limited financial gains, and other social complexities that limit construction and businesses.  For the most part,  I thought he took most of it in stride and was underwhelmed based on his travels.  However, upon return to Canada it became obvious to me that he wrestled hard with what he saw.  Despite seeing and talking to people in different factories around the world, he really hadn't experienced their personal lives outside of work or discussed business issues on a tiny scale like he had with my business partner Leonel.  Time and time when we met back in Canada he discussed the hardships people go through and that making gains in developing countries meets lots of opposition.  The impact of what he saw and becoming more  relational with the people of Guatemala,  pushed him to speak to others about the difficulties people have in the developing world and to think about what can be done to help.   Leonel sharing his life experiences to my old neighbour brought about change.  I'm sure if you were to ask Leonel if he was trying to create an impression,  his answer would would be the same as in the previous story.

Regardless of what our thoughts are about our lives and how we perceive whether we make an impact or not is somewhat irrelevant.  Being who God intended you to be and caring enough to share your life with others does make an impact.  Mandy and I feel at times stuck and not able to see the purpose but sometimes we are fortunate enough to get reminders that others are moved by the direction we have taken.  I encourage all readers to go out and connect with people and tell those who have inspired change in your life that they have moved you.  With that being said, I want to thank all of our readers, and responders to our blog.  Your comments and willingness to partake in our lives spurs us to carry on like a marathon runner limping towards the finish line whose spirits are lifted by the cheers of the supporters along the route.

The dark night closed in.  My body ached with every twist and turn to find comfort.  The intense aroma of my essential oils spilled out of my diffuser throughout my room, but I didn't even notice.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't swallow, I couldn't move and now I couldn't sleep.  After all, this was day three in bed.  I noticed the emptiness beside me.  Usually the sound of the rise and fall of his chest is comforting, the warmth from his body close.  Only cold sheets, as I stretched my foot across the bed.  It was 1:30 am and I crept down the stair case.  A warm glow came from beneath the office door and I knew this was a late night project for him.  A project, a short commercial if you will, a promotional tool for an upcoming  'Orphan Sunday'.  The very thought of this was never God's design.  Why should children be abandoned, neglected and abused?  And over and over my mantra remains, ' God break my heart for that which breaks yours'.

Our journey of fostering has taught me more of the character of Christ.  To love unconditionally, to walk along side and invest in relationship even if it means I am at risk of being lied too and disrespected.  To give a out of a place with a return of no expectations.  To love and and not be loved at times.  Where did we go wrong?   We sat many times explaining the importance of a marriage, a Godly man that would love and respect the way Jesus intends.  An adult trapped in a child's body, our oldest of the four sisters is pregnant.  All eyes would be looking to see how we would handle this.  A life of abuse and orphan care,  transitioned into a family that sets standards and accountability.  That loves no matter what.  Because that is who we are .. family.

 If only she could see it.  Following the exact footsteps of family history.  The sin that entangles and chokes out anything that is pure.  Generation after generation. Proverbs 26:11 says ' As a dog returns to it's vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness'  I can't tell you how many times I have returned to the sin that so easily entangles, but there is hope, and there is freedom, when we have it in Jesus.  He can break any stronghold and set any captive free.

I have learned that blood is thicker than water and the return to biological mom was what she wanted.  And we stay true to our word, and our love.  Just like the father received his son after he left for some time, God is always ready and waiting to embrace us when we are ready.  And we keep allowing our faith to be stretched and our hearts hurt.  Because He is love and we love him.

We stand in need of prayer and wisdom.  Join us, would you?

Finding Peace

Good looking bunch of guys ready to be stretched by God.

Yesterday I went out with a group from Langley, BC to drop off food baskets to widows and the elderly who cannot provide enough sustenance for themselves and their families.  We drove through the streets of Monjas searching for adobe huts and corrugated steel shanties mixed amongst new building developments.  The contrast of those who have and those who don't couldn't be more apparent.

We crouched into a home that was only tall enough for the people inside.  Others were ample in interior space but were as dark as night inside with a veil of smoke lingering in the air due to a lack of windows and ventilation.  The only light that entered inside was the opening of the rickety door or a single light bulb shining through a sooty cob webbed film in the centre of the room.  Where the light managed to touch these people's home, unveiled a hard life where scavenging and improvised use of materials is a necessity to survive.  Our group of Canadians entered each place in a sober manner.  All of us stood quiet listening to the translator but I'm not sure how much was being absorbed. It wasn't that we were exhausted or insensitive, but we couldn't help but feel the burden being put on our shoulders like a lead apron as we entered these places. Thoughts race through my mind like: 'How is this possible?' 'TV telethons have not done this justice.' 'God where is the church supporting these people?' 'I have been abundantly blessed.' 'I feel dirty being here.' 'How do these people stay safe?'

One house in particular stood out for me from the rest.  As we pulled up to the adobe home a tiny elderly woman that looked like she was in her 90s but was actually in her 70s gave us a weathered leathery grin and held out her droopy wrinkled arms to embrace our leader.  After we huddled into her home, she positioned us in front of her 50 year old daughter's bed.  While we stood there the sheets began to rustle and her daughter began to emerge from below.  To our shock her daughter was half naked and exposed to all of us in the room.  With a complete disregard to our presence, the exposed daughter tugged at the bottom of her mom's apron.  Feelings of discomfort were easily seen on the faces across the room as the mother in a loving frustration grabbed a shirt and dressed her naked adult child.  We now had learned that her daughter was born with a severe mental disability and would never achieve independence from the home.  Upon turning around from dressing her girl she thanked us for bringing food and supplies because it is hard to make a living when she is constantly taking care of her daughter.  She continued on to say that she wanted God to take her child from her before she dies.  The thought of her dying before her daughter is too painful to bare knowing that there isn't anyone to take care of her precious daughter.

Just an example of what conditions people live in while being
surrounded by new housing development.

I don't know what everyone else was thinking, but I was mad, frustrated, and crushed.  This woman's biggest prayer request was to have peace through the painful loss of a child.  If anyone deserved to have peace it was this woman and the sacrificial hell that she has lived to make ends meet for her and her daughter for fifty plus years.  But that was what crushed me, she deserved a better life.  She could have walked away from the responsibility of her daughter and received no consequence in this corrupt nation, but she didn't because she dutifully served her daughter out of her reverence to God and His provision.  I truly believe that she knows we are not worthy of God's grace and that she is thankful to her Creator which is why she still found joy even in her circumstance.  The idea of deserving something probably doesn't exist for her as she seeks contentment in the little she does have.

We prayed for her and left her home keeping the weight of the burden as to what we saw.  The group from Canada was obviously shaken up.  Pausing outside of the door I teared up and became laboured in my breathing.  I had only shared about 10 minutes of my life with this woman but I was in turmoil from seeing the broken pieces of her life and the glory from God she was reflecting.  At times I stress over all sorts of tiny things, and here was this woman praising God for His abundant provision.  To be honest, I actually held a sort of envy for what this woman had.  She received something that many of us probably never will get to know, which is a peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:6,7).

It is hard walking away from situations like that and not feeling defeated.  I have no doubt that everyone in our group wanted to fix her problem, but the reality is we already have been given our due share to manage and our best was to love, pray and offer a bit of aid in a moment of obvious need.  The act of compassion gives us the opportunity to be in communion with their pain and respond in a way to support their misfortunes. What my family and I experience and see on a day to day basis is something we want to share with others.  To have the opportunity to gain a different perspective where people can find peace in dire circumstance is life changing.  To be compassionate to people struggling to survive and seeing them find the peace that God provides is truly one of the most humbling experiences a person can go through.  My hope for all of you is to experience and see God's peace and light in those dark places.

Peace,

Matt

The Unpleasant Blessing of Understanding Christ

For those who follow our blog and journey within missions in Jalapa, know that there have been many trials.  I wouldn't deny the fact that we have been under spiritual attack since we started in November 2013.  Wave upon wave of attacks.  We have endured crushing blows that feel unbearable.   Although feeling at times like we were cast in a pit of despair   we have managed to climb out and learned how to take blows and press forward in the name of Jesus. 

Through each attack we have learned to lean on Christ and His community.  When times are tough we turn to people to pray for us and gain a better understanding of how to live through it.   Coming to God in utter dependency during these times has taught us humility that we can't always fix problems (not temptations - those we can handle) but that we need to leave that to Him. 

Satan really does have an impressive arsenal in which he lays his attacks.  He can twist people's perceptions so they can be the weapon for his war.  The damage that is doled out is so diabolical that not only does it hurt the victim but the attacker as well.  Furthermore, the damage dealt can transform the victim to be the attacker and for the attacker to become a bigger and better weapon to inflict more pain.  Like a virus, sin grows and infects its host.  Those who want to be a beacon for God's kingdom are a prime target.

Here in Guatemala we see the sin of 'survive at all cost'.  Many people here live difficult lives and really struggle to get by.  Theft of food, money, things, and even people to be trafficked or enslaved occur so a family can have enough resources to 'live a better life'.  Even when aid is given it isn't enough and they wait and demand for more.  Investing in some people here can be difficult because they have let this entitled attitude to fester in their soul.  These takers become frustrated when you don't dole out cash or food, because advice (spiritual, personal, relational or financial) carries little value.  Sometimes I feel that the expression, 'You can feed a man to fish and he will eat for a day, but if you teach him to fish he will eat for a lifetime.' should have included 'However some people just want to be fed and could care less to have a net or pole because there is plenty of fish in the sea and there are others willing to fish.' 
 
This is our latest battle that we are experiencing in the transition program.  It may be hard to believe that kids rescued from bad situations and raised in loving support would turn on those who helped them.  Unfortunately it is a common story and one that hurts a lot.  Through our past pains I have learned not to worry about it but to give it to God (Matthew 6: 25-34 - Thanks pastor Steve).  To find the blessing in the struggle is become more like Christ.  We can recognize the pain is of this world and its problems but the goodness of God's provision and strength is what gets us to our end game in glory.  Even though my hair is getting whiter by the second, my body is falling into fatigue, and my hands tremble from the stress of life, I can appreciate the thorn that is in my side (2 Corinthians 12: 5-10) because it forces me to be dependent on Him to fight the infection of sin. 

I hate moving.  I have been singing this little tune just like Oscar would belt out from his 1975 trash can "I hate Christmas" ( only who on earth would say such a thing, thought this 7 year old girl) This was one of my most fond memories when I was a kid.  My brother and I would blow the dust off the vinyl and anxiously wait through the static cracking for the cast of Sesame Street to officially welcome christmas in the house. What was even cooler was the album cover that opened like a book and had scenes of all the characters.  And every christmas we are together, my older brother and I still find each other on the couch with the worn out album on our laps while we hum along to the tunes from days long gone.  Now our kids get to experience it.  

I think I have had the same item in my hands at least ten times today because I just can't figure out what box to put it in.  I know its not rocket science, but I am tired so anything that requires any thought is difficult to compute. I thought after a late night of packing and moving things into the girls apartment I would have the chance to catch some extra sleep.  I was mistaken.  Between dogs barking,  kids barging in looking for parts of their uniform, one girl needing a towel, one telling me there is a mouse in the pantry... I could care less if there was a lion in the kitchen at 6am in the  morning.   I thought by now maybe I would have a better system in play.  But the laundry keeps piling, I have no more gas so that means no dryer and no warm shower tonight...great!

And I spent the better half of the day rewashing all my dishes and wiping down food items due to the nice treats the mouse left.  All that to say, I have mixed feelings about moving.  Maybe because Jalapa has felt like a second home to us since 2009.  Maybe because it's change again and this creature of habit likes things a certain way.  Whatever it is exactly, we know that God is continuing His call and we follow His leading wherever that may be. Now back to packing!

One Love

I could hear Bob Marley's voice coming from my bedroom.  The sound of "One Love" belted out throughout the house and as I entered my room, my husband swept me into his arms just to dance.  I shot him a look of confusion... like was this some special occasion.  It was just us.  And that was special enough.  I love the way he loves me, no matter what.  I told him I felt like I should have been wearing a cute little sundress and not my daily grubby shorts and tank top I feel like I haven't changed in who knows how many days. I told him I wished there was sand between my toes instead of the constant dirt and dust on the floor.  We laughed and spun around in circles for what felt like an eternity.  I didn't want the song to ever end.
Boxes once again are filling every room and there is a constant disorganized mess as we prepare to move next week.  This move has been planned for some time now but not as soon as we thought.  My mind feels as cluttered as my surroundings and it's hard not to get stuck in that feeling.  We are heading to a neighbouring town, where we will be working as team leaders, helping the continual development of the transition program and working on other projects. (http://www.shadowofhiswingsorphanage.org)  The more I move, the more I realize how much stuff can occupy our time.  Moving things from one location to another and then back again.  What if we payed equal attention to God as we do to our things.  What if we were consumed with His word and our relationship with Him rather the things the world constantly throws our way.  I live in Guatemala and still struggle with the comforts and luxuries of home.  I don't have to even look far.   Extreme poverty sits on my doorstep.  And it just becomes familiar.  I constantly wonder why on earth I would have so much more, so many opportunities that the majority of this country simply doesn't have.  I helped with a medical team two weeks ago, and I quickly learned of the many women that walked miles, some not even having a pair of shoes, facing extreme fatigue sore tummies with children on their backs with worse symptoms.  Parasites due to the lack clean water, and it's so hot and I am thirsty and take a drink from my cold water bottle.  So many people I have heard say, " you can't help everyone, you can't save the world from poverty".... that is true, because Jesus is our only Saviour.  He has given us the gift of life and with that we are called as christians to do something.  The reason you and I are born where we are is because He wants to use us for His kingdom.  To be a hand to someone in need.
As the song comes to an end, I realize how much I needed to laugh.  And I pray that God would continue to work through this heart of mine to see people in the light of His eyes and to share His love.

These kids come to the door every week for a glass of milk and snack

Brining a pot of soup to celebrate the new baby in Eddie's family

A Terrible Storm followed by a Silver Lining

With the well working we hope it can
sustain until the rains come in May.

            It is hard to sum up the last few months without a lot of emotion bubbling up.  To start things off, in December our crop project experienced a major set back due to a burnt out electrical system on our irrigation pump in our well.  Thankfully nothing was planted but the repairs and downtime have caused minor losses.  In the meantime, we have planted again in March and are praying for stability in the repairs as we head into the hottest and driest month of April. 

            As we rounded the New Year, it was disturbing to see the decline in the Canadian economy.  This has tremendously affected our mission budget.  Before we left Guatemala in the fall,

The value of the Canadian dollar versus the
value of the Guatemalan Quetzal.
(One year earlier value was Q8/$1CDN)

 we were receiving Q7(Quetzals)/$1CAD.  Our lowest rate of exchange was  Q5.8/$1CAD, which translates to a loss of 17% of our income in the matter of six months.  Thankfully we have rebounded some (Q6.2/$1CAD) but we still are hoping for much better.  It is frustrating to see the prices remain the same in Quetzals but the cost of the item in dollars increase.  If anything, it pushes Mandy and I to lean on God harder knowing full well that He is the provider of all our needs (refer to Matthew 6:25-34), and to seek sustainability through businesses within Guatemala.

Josue with his wife and youngest son
celebrating his son's first birthday.
Thanks to his sharp mind and big heart,
Josue was able to prove our innocence and
allow us to continue on with the mission.

  Despite these set backs, Mandy and I were not ready to deal with the devastation we were dragged through in mid January.  While getting prepared for my mother to come and visit, we were accused by someone in the community of kidnapping, child abandonment, and the enslavement of children within our home.   With a looming investigation and possible arrest, we had our bags packed for an early return to Canada.  However, God knew the strife and despair we were in and sent the best gift through the friendship of a basketball teammate who happens to be a lawyer.  Josue (hose-way) managed to clear the air and prove the false nature of the accusations within a few days.  In that moment of crisis where we were being tricked into leaving, a hand of peace was placed on our house.  Thankfully nothing came of this all, we are still healing through this, and mom was able to rebook a flight and come down.  Please pray for us as we still deal with a lot of anger, and pray for the accusers that they might find peace.

The hen house sat empty for three months while we waited
for a source of hens to come through.  Finally at the end of
April we welcomed our first 200 ladies and will be getting
another 300 by the end of May.  Please pray for success
in sales as this provides work in a country that lacks it, and
an opportunity to raise funds domestically to support girls
as they transition out of safe houses.

            Back to the farming front, the hen project finally completed construction in late January.  In a country full of chickens running freely and constant advertisements of laying hens for sale, Leonel (my business partner) and I figured a small quantity of 200 hens to start our business would be an easy order to fill.  However, this was far from the case.  After visiting a series of farms and livestock dealers we came up empty.  Either they were sold out or the stock did not look good for production.  After six weeks of searching we established a source of hens from a supplier/farmer that we can trust in Jalapa.  This new relationship we are developing is mutually beneficial and looks to have a positive future.  Praise God!

The kids all dressed in their
uniforms ready for school.

Regardless of the mishaps and stress over the past few months we have counted more blessings than hardships.  Thankfully God provides we just need to be tuned into to seeing what He has given. For example, all of the children in our home are in school, loving it, and excelling in their studies.   Max, Gabe and Mercedes started attending school in January freeing up my time from homeschooling. This is a much better fit for our family and all are happier for it.

Francisca working on her
handbag business.

Angelica and Francisca continue to plug away at making jewelry and handbags to make a small income.  They have moved out of the house and into an apartment where they are responsible for covering most of their rent cost.  Additionally, they are taking advantage of their license and are able to be more independent.  There still is a lot of growing up to do but they are on their way.

Irma Lopez has been a new-old addition to our home.  She worked with Mandy last year, producing baked goods to sell in the market.  In January, she has moved in with us to complete her high school diploma and to develop a bakery.  With the aid of sponsors in Canada, she is getting an education, building up her baking tool inventory and receiving extra classes in cake making and decorating.  At this point Irma is turning a small profit with her roadside stand.

Mandy pricing the jewelry
and handbags Angelica and
Francisca made.

The boys were excited to
have Nana back again for
a couple of months.

Over the last couple months we have enjoyed time with visitors.  My mom was able to stay on for two months as well as Mandy’s mom and sister sneaking in a surprise visit for her birthday.  Even our good friend Kate was able to slip away from Canada for a bit to get some much needed Guatemalan time.  It truly is a blessing to share our lives with others and share in the joy of serving here.

Irma and Oma working the roadside stand in front of our house.
If you are going to come to Guatemala you need to learn how
to make tortillas.

A huge answer to prayer recently came when another extension for my leave of absence from my school board was accepted. With this firmed up we have applied for residency, which will open doors legally for us to stay without being charged for visa extensions and being forced to leave the country every 180 days.  The resident status also opens doors for adoption.  It is just a matter of time before we hear whether we are accepted or not.

Finally, we want to express sheer gratitude for the additional support during Christmas and January.  The funding was and is needed, and it came at a time when strife was high.  Thanks for investing in our small, but life changing ministry.

Love,

Matt and Mandy