Reset

"Don't trip at the finish line"...he says. Now he's speaking my language. Being a long distance runner, I know full well that the last leg of the race is by far the toughest. It's in the last few km I just want to give up, stop, quit. This past week has been by far the toughest week while Matt has been away. I wanted to give up, quit and stop on a few occasions. The subtle whispers of 'why are you here, you will never make a difference'. The green eye monster that envies someone else's life style and the struggles go on and on. And I press in closer to His Word and have felt more of His love than ever before. I had the most intense dream the other night. I was being crucified. And I woke up hardly able to breathe. It was so crazy real to me all I could feel was a weight on me. I realized that the Lord is ever so near in times of pain and struggle. The enemy may try to trip us up but we have Christ's power in us. It was a beautiful reminder that my sin is crucified on the cross and that I am covered in Jesus' redemptive blood.
As much as these last two months at times have felt lonely, my prayer was to grow deeper with God. To love Him more than my marriage and children. I have experienced the most intimate times with God and in that have grown closer to my husband. Seventy five days have passed since I saw my children last and sixty five since I have seen my husband. And all the while people would make remarks of 'I don't know how you do it'. The truth is I didn't want to nor could I alone. When we re-set our lives for Him and focus on what is in front of us and do the very best with what we have, anything is possible. Now hurry up and come home FAMILY!!!!!!!

~Lily Grace~

I praise the name of Jesus!  I shout it from the rooftops that my God is a God of divine purpose.  It is all for His glory we worship Him.  He has found favour with us and is faithful.  May this story be a testimony of His goodness.  We aren't good enough.  We never will be!  But with faith we can come humbly before His throne and ask and He will listen.  I don't feel like I deserve this privilege to mother this beautiful girl.  The reality is it's nothing that we did, but God's ultimate favour and the story He is unfolding through Lily Grace.  I wake up every morning with the sweetest treasure at my bedside.  The gentle whisper of 'mommy' that I have waited for 2 years to hear.  Two years of praying, fighting, hoping and dreaming.  There came a time where my hopes faded to dreams and my dreams faded to numbness.  I wondered if God still heard the prayers from my rooftop.  The alter that I fell upon over and over as I asked "why God, when God?"  God took me on a journey of trusting Him and praising Him through the pain that I felt.  Where I recognized that everything is His.
We brought Lily home August 30th.  It was like she had been waiting her life to come home.  We sat anxiously in the CNA office that we frequented many times with lots of questions and little answers.  That Tuesday was different.  It was filled with much anticipation and excitement that felt surreal. We finally had an answer and it was YES!
 

paper signing

 

adventures at the zoo

It has been 21 days since I've seen my children, 11 days since I have seen my husband and 12 days since Lily has come home.  And it is really just the beginning.  Since Lily doesn't have papers to travel yet, Matt went on home to work for 2 months with the intent to apply for an unpaid adoption leave from the DSBN.  Our kids are attending school back in Canada for the time until they return with Matt.  I know there has been a lot of confusion with our family status but everything is complicated and a process so we prayerfully walk one step at a time trusting God through every decision.   There are days that I wonder how I am going to do this and then I remember that God is always with me and it's in His strength that all things are possible.  The truth is I can't do this on my own.  Being a single mom to a 3 yr old in Canada would be hard enough let alone here in Guatemala. I am very quickly remembering what it takes to raise a 3 yr old.  The other day I turned around for 2 minutes and Lily fed an almost entire pizza to our dog.  Needless to say, Lily is our dog's best friend and Samson will let her ride on his back like a horse.  Part of our time has been spent   ministering to the local widows and the other day I watched Lily's tiny hand reach up on top of Lucilla's head as she laid her hand upon her to pray.  I am so very thankful to Shadow of His Wings Orphanage for the biblical teaching and the inpouring of the Holy Spirit and for her house parents that taught her to pray.

I was home in Canada for a very short visit.  We were celebrating my parents 40th wedding anniversary and I had the honour to preach for the first time at church.  I love how God shows up.  My family was all gathered on the rocks of Port Elgin beach for a picture and my son Max came running over to me and said "mom look what I found.."  It was a rock that had the word HOPE written in bold red letters.  Hope that the sacrificed Lamb promises.  Hope that even the rocks shout out.  God reached out and spoke to me that day.  That He is the Hope of this world and that with faith in Him, mountains will move! I often don't have the words to describe the feelings of what I have experienced.  I love what Pastor Isaac Wimberley shared in "Jesus is Forever"
"So it's not just words that I proclaim, for my words point to The Word and The Word has a name.
Hope has a name
Joy has a name
Peace has a name
Love has a name and that name is Jesus Christ!
Praise His name forever!

I would never have imagined it......

I would never have imagined it.  I kick started my motor bike early this morning and took off with nothing but wind in my hair and dust at my heels.  I never would have thought my morning commute to work would involve a mouthful of bugs,  traffic jams of cows filing along the long windy road, and road kill of lizards and squished snakes.  (eek,  as I lift my feet out from under me)  The rolling mountains in the distance, the haze of smoke from fires burning fields and the oh' so glorious sunshine warming the cool, early morning.  There was a time when I actually did my hair before work.  Now this disheveled mop comes in the office with a layer of dust from head to toe.


I used to drive up to the parking lot in my humble mini van to work at Inn on the Twenty.  I detested the idea of becoming a 'mini van driving mom'.  I was way cooler than that.  I would pull in beside the row upon row of sporty looking cars and drool a little.  I thought to myself,  this mini van driving mama will upgrade.  One day I will be successful enough to afford it. I even had planned out what my license plate would say. Those days seem so far removed from any of my surroundings here in Monjas.  God is in the business of changing people and this heart of mine.

I love when teams come full of first timers.  I get to see things that I would otherwise be desensitized to.  A new lens to see.  Whether it's a passing motorist with a calf.. yes a calf on a moto, or the extreme impoverished homes we enter.  Eyes are opened.  We had a time of sharing around a fire at our home last week.  A night of devotion and reflection.  I love how one man spoke up and shared how just before he came to Guatemala, he was complaining that his french fries were cold.  Nothing wrong with wanting hot food that was paid for, but this thought fell on the heels of visiting a dear old lady in our community.  She had such a headache when we showed up to deliver a food basket earlier that afternoon .  She hadn't eaten yet that day.  The next stop .... baby Jeffery who just a few short weeks ago was literally starving to death.  Bringing the food is just a means to step through the threshold of their homes.  It's an obvious need that is met from time to time with our teams, but the greatest joy is bringing the love and gospel of Jesus. God isn't just wanting us to exist. He is calling us to be holy.   It is waking up everyday and choosing to make God first, spending time with our creator, and allowing Him to use us.  And the mission field is wherever you are!

I loved my work back home as a stylist.  I never really thought about how it was impacting God's kingdom.  From time to time I would share my faith when it felt safe.  I strived for success driven by a need to be recognized.  I stumbled my way through comparisons and pride.  I now know it doesn't matter where I live, what I drive or what I do.  I'm not saying that wanting to be successful and striving to do well are wrong.  It's a heart check, one that I know I needed.

Be Still My Heart

The waiting is refining.  It is a sharpening of my faith.  My heart flutters and falls and I guard it so close.  And even when it hurts I still praise Him.  Not too long ago, I was listening to a sermon based off John 11.  The story unfolds with the sickness of Lazarus, brother to Mary and Martha and dear friend to Jesus.  The sisters were concerned for their dying brother and asked Jesus to come quickly.  Time passed and Lazarus died.  You can well imaging the state of the women. Anger, sorrow, rejection and the looming question of why?  Jesus in all His glory, told the oceans to calm and they did at the command of His voice.  Why then, did He let his friend die?  Through the storms of life, can we honestly still praise Him?   God wanted to show His glory.  That no matter what comes our way, in it, through it and at the end of it, can we stand and still give Him all glory?  That no matter what, we praise Him because HE never promises to be a a spotlight unto our path.  He shows us little by little so we walk in faith.   I feel that most of my christian life I have been walking around aimlessly honouring things and people.  I found comfort in the things the world offered.  I was blind.  Asking God to do more than we can imagine takes courage.  Something I am lacking these days.  I fear that if I ask, He will require more.  And last time I asked,  I found myself packing up my life as I knew it to move to a developing country.
I didn't have to be shipwrecked to  have faced my own storms.  I didn't need to be locked in prison to know what is feels like to be trapped.  It's hard to share when you don't know what the next day, week or month will bring.  We have been waiting for answers for while.  The adoption process has been staggering and draining.  I constantly feel my family life is under a microscope.  Going through short unexpected meetings and uncertain delays I feel like we are still making  progress.  I sat on my roof top one late November afternoon.  I had it out with God.  I was angry over the things that unfolded.  I was frustrated and confused.  I spent over two hours up there that night, while my amazing husband took on the food preparations for dinner.  Matt knew I needed the space.   More importantly HE knew and when we take the time to slow down and listen, God has so much to share. The dark clouds rolled away over the jagged mountain tops and there  was the most beautiful sky painted in hues of warm red, yellow and orange.   And to my left, just above some trees,  a harvest moon that I could almost reach out and grab.  God reminded me that when He calls, He also equips, when He leads, I need to follow, and that He gets all glory through every situation.  No matter the outcome.  No matter what.
We are still waiting.  But I can honestly say glory to God because He is in all things.

funerals, graduations and baptisms

It's the unexpected call that comes from a loved one.  The one that stops you in your tracks, grief stricken, tear streaked face hanging low.  This is the second grandma my husband has lost in the last year.  It's no surprise, as age weathers a body and health fails over and over.  My immediate gut feeling..fly home husband, go be near family, bury your loved grandma and celebrate her life.  He hung his head and said no... not now.
His strength I admire, his fight is strong and his heart pure.  He laid awake all night the night before the news with other news of Lily.  Praying for wisdom and strength as the fight to adopt comes near an end.  The unexpected, the unknown all laying in His hands.  When God closes a door, somewhere there is a window.  And we keep walking the road ahead.


With all the stresses we faced last week, there was much reason to celebrate.  We had the honour of attending Irma's graduation ceremony.  My heart hurt when I quickly  learned her parents didn't even show up to support this accomplishment.  I know Irma struggled her way through but has now completed her high school diploma.  An accomplishment made by only 10%-20% of this country.  And not one of her family members came.  We had the privilege of walking the stage to honour her with a bouquet of flowers and a photo to remember the moment.  I didn't feel right being the one to walk that stage.  Without the financial support of two very kind people back in Canada, she wouldn't receive this diploma.  And to them, I say thank you.  Thank you for living beyond yourself and investing in the opportunity for a 21 yr old to gain her basic high school diploma.  Her accomplishment has improved her self confidence in a world where women aren't valued.  With this under her belt, she plans to work and potentially continue on studying further in business.

There are so many things we get to experience living here.  Some amazing, some just plain old tough.   Some days I experience a sense of loss, but God quickly reminds me of the many blessings He has for all of us if we just acknowledge Him. Whether its a beautiful sunrise, smile on the face of one of our kids from the project, my son telling me he loves me, or God gently stirring my heart in the early hours of a morning with a scripture.  He calls all things into being.  The earth is full of His glory.....even the rocks would cry out if we weren't made to worship our King.  He is full of mystery yet is relatable.  I thank Jesus for gracing the dust of this earth.   He understands our hearts because He suffered.  When we follow Him we step into His suffering and all of a sudden the bible stories aren't just images of animals and people on Sunday school felt boards.  They are relatable.   It's the place where real relationship grows.  God in me and I in Him.

I am not there, but  I celebrate the life change that is happening in one my dear friends' son. He made a choice to step out of comfort and seek his own path.  He choose to attend youth group, and just recently was baptized.  He still struggles.  Of course!  Just because we are baptized into new life with Him, doesn't  make us immune to sin and trials.  In fact it is to be expected.  When we choose to walk with God, the road is narrow.  It is the beginning to a beautiful story with a God full of love, compassion and grace.

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."   Matthew 28:19

It was never intended to be this way.

I studied biology in university and learned of how we have natural cycles of various sizes.  One example is oxygen and glucose entering the cell and activating a cyclical chemical reaction that produces carbon dioxide, which in turn is taken by plants to produce glucose and oxygen.  Or, how we consume food and eliminate the remainder which in turn returns to the earth to bring nutrient once again to grow more food.  These are just two of a slue of other natural cycles that exist, but they show how our understanding of life is: be what you are-> change into something else -> cycle back to the original.

To say that God didn't intend death to occur would be difficult for me to accept because He made so many beautiful systems and cycles to take care of all of what is needed to be recycled.  However, God did set us aside from all of His creation as something unique that could be in eternal relationship with Him.  We were given a special pass from the rest to become supernatural beings with a soul.  My brain rattles a bit around these questions: 'If we were built to live forever, were we even a living biological being or just a spirit in physical form?  Was God in the same form as Adam and Eve when walking in the Garden of the Eden?  Did this change once sin came in the world and we anchored our soul to a now mortal physical form?  Am I just a little nuts and only ponder about this after gluing my kids project together?'

Regardless of all of these thoughts, it is important to realize that we were made different and do live for eternity in a spiritual realm.  It is also important to note that sin separated us from God and that to have eternal life with Him only comes when we accept Him as our saviour and Lord over our lives.  Our experience with death is complicated.  As Christians we admit to an afterlife but do we believe in it?  And if you do believe in it,  how might you live differently knowing that this here is the short run?  Why is it so painful to experience the death of a loved one when you know they are in eternal paradise?

Shortly after the death of my Grandma Wilson we attended
a funeral of my friend's grandmother.  It was a good time to
mourn both their deaths as I wept in the graveyard of Jalapa
with the multitude of others that were equally pained with
the result that sin produces.

Personally I have experienced the death of both of my grandmothers while working here in Guatemala.  On both occasions I was relieved to know that my grandmothers were right with Christ and that they are blessed to be living an amazing life in glory.  However, this never lifted the burden of my sorrow that they are now separated from me.  Maybe I'm selfish, but I loved having my grandmothers here, learning about our family origins, and bonding with someone that really cared for me and my interests too.  I know I'm not unique with this feeling.  Even Jesus Himself cried in anger at the death of His friend.  I remember our pastor in Canada speaking that even though Jesus had the power to raise the dead He still wept because we were not intended to exist this way.  That when sin entered the world we created a divide between us and God.  Thankfully for Christ He bridged that gap for us and we can be in relationship with Him again.

I urge readers of this blog to seek out a relationship with God and carry out a life with Him.  If you need help in what to do next, please don't hesitate to message Mandy or myself, or contact a local church and get connected.  If hell is the complete separation of us from God, we unfortunately get a small taste of it when someone dies.  I know my grandmothers are in a better place.  I will continue to strive to live for Christ and someday I will get to see my grandparents and other loved ones that continue to follow Christ.  But until then, I am left with the reminder that sin isolates us and breaks up the original intended plan God had for our lives.

Not Understanding Your Impact

Over the last few years Mandy and I have had the awesome opportunity to share our journey and mission life with a variety of visitors.  These people walk away from Jalapa with a changed heart and perspective that they could not get through a TV screen, a mission conference, a conversation with us about Guatemala, or even a blog post.  We were created to be relational and to be the body of the church working together to solve the world's problems.  Without these visitors making contact here in Guatemala, it would take great faith and empathy to begin to sympathize with the issues and understand the struggle.  It is not to say that we don't care about the issues of others when we do not go directly to aid with their strife, however we can not be the most effective relational support from a distance.  Sharing burdens with others invites them into a more intimate relationship, exactly like God calls us to cast our burdens onto Him so we can be intimate in our relationship with Him.

In the past few months I have seen some men have the opportunity to blessing and carry the burden of others.  One gentleman came a few weeks back and he shared that he was quite well travelled based on his work as a pilot.  Landing in various parts of the world and staying for brief periods of time didn't always allow for a thorough look at what life entailed.  Despite the exposure to various landscapes and obvious differences in demographics from country to country, there was little opportunity to truly get connected with others.  During his trip to Shadow of His Wings Orphanage (show.org) he had the opportunity to share and sympathize in the life of the abused, neglected, abandoned and orphaned children and women of Monjas, Guatemala.  His kind and generous heart was broken from what he saw.  He had a difficult time articulating the change he felt, but I best believe he could have described it as God broke his heart to make room for a renewed one that was growing.  Did these people do anything special for him? In short, no.  They were just willing to share their life with someone.  Their impact on his life was huge and now he has made it a mission to seek sponsorship for the children at SOHWO.  Those kids don't know the impact that they make but they do make one for the glory of God by being in relationship with others.

Another person I would like to share about is a former neighbour of mine.  We were blessed to have him and his family to come and visit us this past summer.  He is well travelled visiting various countries in various stages of development and has been exposed to different cultural practices.  During his visit, he saw more of the business end of what I deal with in Jalapa.  In those few days he heard stories from others about theft, extortion, corruption, limited access to resources, limited financial gains, and other social complexities that limit construction and businesses.  For the most part,  I thought he took most of it in stride and was underwhelmed based on his travels.  However, upon return to Canada it became obvious to me that he wrestled hard with what he saw.  Despite seeing and talking to people in different factories around the world, he really hadn't experienced their personal lives outside of work or discussed business issues on a tiny scale like he had with my business partner Leonel.  Time and time when we met back in Canada he discussed the hardships people go through and that making gains in developing countries meets lots of opposition.  The impact of what he saw and becoming more  relational with the people of Guatemala,  pushed him to speak to others about the difficulties people have in the developing world and to think about what can be done to help.   Leonel sharing his life experiences to my old neighbour brought about change.  I'm sure if you were to ask Leonel if he was trying to create an impression,  his answer would would be the same as in the previous story.

Regardless of what our thoughts are about our lives and how we perceive whether we make an impact or not is somewhat irrelevant.  Being who God intended you to be and caring enough to share your life with others does make an impact.  Mandy and I feel at times stuck and not able to see the purpose but sometimes we are fortunate enough to get reminders that others are moved by the direction we have taken.  I encourage all readers to go out and connect with people and tell those who have inspired change in your life that they have moved you.  With that being said, I want to thank all of our readers, and responders to our blog.  Your comments and willingness to partake in our lives spurs us to carry on like a marathon runner limping towards the finish line whose spirits are lifted by the cheers of the supporters along the route.