lost and found

You call me out upon the waters.......where the waters are deep, dark and unknown.  I gaze down at my reflection and see your face precious Jesus.  I see your arm outstretched toward me, wanting for me to reach out to grab your hold.  This past week I grabbed tighter than ever to my Saviours hand as I looked into the eyes of the enemy and seen darkness in a soul.  An emptiness that was so vast and haunting.
Matt and I made national news in Guatemala last week over the story of a young "Canadian" woman who was attacked and almost lynched in a nearby mountainous village.  Knowing we are Canadian, we were called into the police station to act as a support for this terrified girl.   Trying to decipher if the behaviour we saw was post traumatic stress or mental illness, we stood and silently prayed before agreeing to take this girl home for the night.   A police officer was to be stationed in our house for the following 24 hours for protection for this girl.   It was very apparent soon after we returned home that something was not adding up and the story was changing... quickly.  I was starting to feel like the protection was needed for my family. As she walked around my house, muttering words and chants, I followed not too far behind praying for God to fill every part of our home and protect us.  I don't know who the police officer thought was more crazy. I sat in the garage to talk and wasn't getting very far.  I asked what she was running from.  It was in that moment I stared into the darkest eyes, an emptiness I have never seen.  Matt started doing a little of his own investigation as we clearly were confused with the information given.  In a matter of four hours, we discovered this was not a Canadian but a missing person report had been filed from Oregon last August. A troubled young girl who had a series of encounters with police in various states.   Caught and shrieking in panic she was held in our front gate area which made for a make shift jail.  I prayed for her. I prayed that that only God would set her free. That she may have been lost but there is a chance to be found in Christ.  Last saturday  I stood confidently and fearlessly in my kitchen and told the enemy there was no room in our house, in our mission, in our lives for him.  And  in that moment I felt the most beautiful presence of my Saviour.  I knew He had a hold of my hand.  He is bringing my faith to new levels.  As the water may seem too deep, too dark and unknown, I know to keep looking up to his arms.

Do you ever wonder if you are doing the right thing?

Mercedes teaching the toddlers
at the safe house a new game.

When we first got started on this whole missionary life back in 2009, we have often struggled with where we need to be.  So many opportunities come our way each day, many of which are small with no lasting impact but on the rare occasion we face big ones.  For Mandy and I, coming to Guatemala was a three year process in which we fought about where our purpose was in God's plan for us and our children.  Through lots of prayer and discernment, we feel that we are supposed to be here and working with these awesome yet unwanted children.

 I personally struggle  playing my own devil's advocate.  Unquestionably, I feel that working in Guatemala is our calling but what that work entails is not always so clear.  Many days I pray to be productive or to find the right combination of 'works' to 'relationship'.  What provides a better eternal impact?  Giving to those in need? Being with those in need? Both?

Taking on five girls full time in our home has
presented some challenges (to say the least).

How does someone wade through all of the problems in the world and find one that they need to "fix" when so many problems are presented?  For example, the children at the safe house need decent food, shelter, water, and a spiritual education.  All of which we have been providing.  However, some are learning English in school and need some support, babies need to be given more attention, some kids have speech therapy appointments, others want to learn how to craft, all of them need to get exercise and time out of the house, they need spiritual mentors, etc.  Realistically I know we can't be all things to all people.  Mandy and I are pulled in different directions to do what is 'best' for our family.  Admittedly, we have made many mistakes and have questioned ourselves in the decision making process.

My parents with Gabe and Mercedes ready
to do some trick or treating.

To answer the blog title, I do not always think we are doing the right thing, but we do strive to do the best at what we can.  I remember a conversation with my parents a couple years back while we were getting ready to go out for Halloween.  Mom and Dad made a decision when I was about nine years old to stop going out for Halloween.  Talk about torture, watching your friends enjoy the evening of collecting candy while we went to the mall to avoid the costumed kids knocking at our door.  However, 24 years later my parents got dressed up at my house with my kids and went out to enjoy the evening of collecting treats.  During that night, I jabbed at my parents that they had denied me a right of passage as a kid and here they are celebrating the holiday with my own.  To which my Dad replied quickly and confidently that they were wrong and at times parents make mistakes.  Nothing more than that.  For me, my Dad demonstrated a lot of grace.  He was not going beat himself up but stated where his decision wasn't the best and moved on.

I am thankful for the example my parents provided for me.  With the various projects that we have completed here and the people that we have interacted with, we struggle to always see the benefit we hope to create.  Where we need to be gracious with ourselves,  is that our hearts are always in the best interest of those we work with.  Continue to pray for us and those we work with as we desire to make positive and eternal change by doing the right thing.

a gift of life

This is the day the Lord has made.. let us rejoice and be glad in it!

This is what hospital visitation looks like.

Everyday is such a learning curve.  Sometimes I question things that just don't seem sensible and sometimes I just accept it and go with the flow.  I found myself in a very large line that spilled onto the streets of Jalapa today.  It was a line for visitation for the hospital.  For some reason today I felt a little more stared down but thought nothing of it.  After all, I am the tallest, whitest "gringo" in line.  As the door finally opened, the crowd of people progressed forward, but not my line.  I couldn't figure out why we were still standing in one spot.  We only had one hour to enter the hospital for visiting rights so let's get a move on I thought.  Besides, I didn't know which way was up in there and had a mission to find Rosa. I quickly realized that I was in the line of ALL men and they were allowing the women to enter first.  I felt like an idiot as I scurried past all the "macho" men in their cowboy hats. 

I almost cried when I saw Rosa.  She looked like a deer caught in headlights.  Almost like she was in shock.  I was expecting her to be labouring still but found her in a ward room with other new moms.  She looked tired and weak.  I held her face in my hands and told her how proud I was of her to do this all on her own.  

Rosa and her older sister were brought to our home because of incest.  Her older sister already has a three year old.  A perverse past that I can't even begin to imagine.  A raping of her soul, self esteem, and identity as a teenager.  And still no justice as the father has taken off with two other younger sisters.  

Setting aside my anger at the situation, I embraced this tiny baby boy and whispered in his ears .."its not your fault,.... God made you perfect"  I sat and just stared at the miracle of life before me as wails of a woman rang out across the hall.  Her baby didn't make it. She sobbed for a child she wanted and couldn't take home.  

My mother instincts quickly fell into play.  The baby was caked in poop. I looked around for a diaper. We had prepared Rosa with a "overnight" bag filled with tiny clothes, diapers and wipes.  While she had fallen asleep, someone stole her items and she had nothing to change him in.  With only an hour and a lot to do,  I ran down the a street to the pharmacy to buy diapers, wipes and lunch for Rosa.  By the time I had cleaned up and changed the baby, Rosa had scarfed down her entire meal.  She told me she didn't have any milk and almost looked defeated at the attempt to nurse.  I explained that it will take a couple days and the importance of drinking lots of water and to keep trying.  She allowed me to help the baby to her breast.  I remember those first few hours, days and weeks of being a new mom and feeling totally freaked out.  The fact that this tiny human was dependant on me for a source of food, comfort and love seemed overwhelming.  I thought of how my own mom came to the rescue so many times and knew exactly how I felt.  I stroked Rosa's head and brushed her messy hair up into a pony tail off her neck and washed her neck with a cool towel.  And I prayed with her thanking God for the safe arrival of the most beautiful gift.  A tiny precious life!

Calm Waters

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.....

                           I have experienced a love like no other.. 

                                             a love that reaches deeper into my soul with each passing day.  


For me, I don't need  distance to make me fall more in love with Him.   

      And then God revealed something of great significance.  

                He is waiting... patiently...wanting more of me than I could ever want from Him.

    The God of the universe is waiting for me to come before Him and give my time.  


I woke up this morning and hit the floor... feelings of fear and confusion overwhelmed me.  I poured out my heart to God and asked Him to forgive me for not always giving Him my first attention, time and thoughts. Yesterdays' events were a stark reminder of the corruption and evil in this world.  As I was joyfully welcoming my husbands return from Texas, in that same moment just 100 meters from our home, lives were lost and hearts were shattered.  

Do you ever wake up and think today could be your last day? 

        I did today. 

              How would you live your life differently?  

God has reminded me that the things of this world will never satisfy, always change and are merely things. 

 Stuff clutters our homes, minds and lifestyles that aren't always kingdom building.  We put so much energy and focus on stuff. 

Realizing this  short time we have on earth and the eternity that awaits, makes me strive to live more and more for Christ. 

Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.  

                       He is my constant through the storms of life. 

      
         When the boat feels like it is sinking, He says be still.  

                      
                      He calms the storm and says, "trust me"

                   
                    We are not called to live in fear but to trust.  

      
       And everyday I can walk with confidence and peace that God has us in the grip of His hand.

Unconventional Missionary

Having the time to sit and write has been weighing in on me for quite some time now.  I just realized it has been a month since my last post.  I have attempted to write a couple times and the words left me as soon as I started to type.   My cup feels empty with only a few remainder drops left.  I have had no time for myself and relunctantly God has been getting my last bits of time at the end of a very exhausting day.  I thought that maybe if I start my day with Him things would  better.  I struggle to stay awake during my early morning prayer and often roll out of bed to the demanding noise and clutter of the day.   I think you can relate. We have all been there.  Burnout is lingering around the next corner and I need to pull out all stops.  


If someone told me a few years ago that I would one day be a "missionary"serving in Guatemala, I would have laughed and thought..."ya, right"!  I pictured french braided hair and long denim skirts.  If that were the case I would be the worst missionary ever!  I struggle with not doing enough, being enough, making enough, having enough. I know in my heart that just being should be enough but the world screams otherwise.   I look around and there are so many insurmountable needs I can't possibly address or "fix" them all but I know I can start by helping where I can one at a time.  

We are currently looking to re-locate our safe house.  The house is full and we are at our max.  Water access is only available for short segments very early in the morning and at night.  You can imagine this makes cleaning and hygiene an issue for a house full of 16 people.   Reasonable rent is hard to come by here in Jalapa especially for us "gringos".  With the help of local friends, we are continually looking.   The cost of a rental that was suitable was exceeding our current budget and so I prayed a bold prayer that God would make up the difference.  In asking God, with faith we can be sure He can move any mountain.  My faith seemingly has felt defeated.  I struggle with not becoming the mission.  It's easy to make things about ourselves, isn't it?  Sometimes it is just easier doing than asking.  My knees have found the floor many times in the last couple of weeks.  I put out a request on Facebook for prayer over our housing situation.  I was blown away.  God worked through the heart of a donor who had money waiting to be used.  We can now look for a house with a potential yard for the kids to play in and clean water.

With eight kids in the house, there isn't a lot of  quiet time.  Not to mention Guatemalans LOVE loud noise.  I find my head spinning and just want to turn down the volume some days.  Matt and I were blessed with a day away thanks to Nana and Papa holding down the fort.  I loved walking hand in hand without competing with the girls, for my husbands grip.  We were able to sit and enjoy a meal from start to finish without any interruptions.  Coming from a family of five kids, the hustle and bustle of a busy house is not foreign and I do love it.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I wake up everyday to a beautiful family that only God could bring together.  The mission field is where ever you are.  It's a lifestyle.  Everyday is different.  Some days, my expectations are way to high as far as what I want to accomplish.  Then I have to remind myself that we are doing life here.  Whether its stopping to chat with our neighbour or having a conversation about faith with the store owner next door on a egg and water run.  We are just ordinary people being used by an extraordinary God!

Meet Yorlini

Malnutrition is described as a condition that results in a diet that is lacking certain nutrients, an excess of, or the wrong proportions of nutrients.  This condition is on the rise for many, many people in Guatemala, specifically children.  The problem doesn't lie therein with a lack of food.  For some it is a lack of proper education, extreme cases of poverty and others neglect.  This was the case for Yorlini.

When 3 year old Yorlini first came to Hands of Mercy, She was frail and weak.  She was found on the dirt floor of her home among trash clinging to water for life.  Yorlini spent two months in treatment at a hospital to help her gain weight and get healthier.  Her parents were too busy getting drunk and abandoned her to fend for herself.  The darkness in her eyes tells her story.  After taking her for vaccinations last Thursday, I felt like she needed some extra care so we took her home.  My heart aches for this tiny girl.  I wonder how this will effect the rest of her life.  How will she develop mentally, physically and emotionally with such a start to life. I think of my precious 3 year old niece who wants to feel like a princess, run and play without a care in the world.  It is no different for Yorlini.  She too, likes to feel pretty, but can't run as walking a short distance is very hard for her.  I have been challenging her to walk each day and we are working on toilet training.  She has been doing both!  It warmed my heart last night when she gently said to Matt, " papa, look at me.... I'm walking"

painting nails 

 It has been interesting watching her at meal time.   When it is time to eat, her face lights up.  She could sit by the table all day if I let her.  She is very particular of her food placement.  Her plate and cup is always on the edge of the table and if I dare move it, you'd think I'm trying to steal it from her.  It has been hard for me to undress her for bath time.  She weighs only 1 pound more than our 5 month old Lilly.  You can imagine! Despite her size, I know God has big things in store for her life.  The darkness in her eyes is starting to lift and we see some smiles!  God is good!

The Light of the World

For those of you who know me well, I am just a wee bit nostalgic when it comes to Christmas time. The smell of gingerbread baking in the oven, the twinkling white lights and oh the music.  Yes, I am one of those people who have the christmas music playing around the clock leading up and even shortly after Christmas.  The absolute best part is spending it with family and friends whom we hold dear and love so much.  Somehow this year, the actuality of what it means to many, many people was a staggering reality of emptiness.  No sugar plum fairies, no stockings hung by the warm inviting fire, no bedazzling twinkling tree to admire, no smell of gingerbread coming from the kitchen.  For many people it is another day like no other, and some would wish it away because of the pain it brings. 

This christmas stirred  something deep within me.   I was determined to make it special for our kids at the safe house.  I dragged a pathetic looking tree with annoying flashy lights over to our directors house, where we would later celebrate.  Matt and I searched high and low for a special gift for each child in Hands of Mercy.  The kids and I made little cards and wrapped each gift  with love. Christmas eve was upon us... we planned a special evening at Dave and Julie's home ( directors of HOM)  filled with food, treats, a bonfire, piñata, and fireworks. As we all gathered by  the tree, I shared how special they are  and that God cares so much for each one of them.  Excitement grew in my tummy as we handed out the first of the gifts.  I watched expectantly for the reaction my kids in the past would have given.  There were no thrills, no real excitement.  Each one accepted the gift, partially opened it and tucked it away under their lap.  "But theres more in that box.... keep looking"  I kept thinking... I quickly realized that no gift of any kind could bring light to their dark worlds.  They were hurting, they were pining for their families.  They were homesick.  As the gifts were being passed out, I looked down at my son, Gabriel.  He looked up at me with glassy eyes and rosy cheeks.  As the words left his mouth, the tears spilled from his eyes.  "Mommy... I have two things that make me sad..... I really miss our family back in Canada.. and I am really sad that these kids don't have family now."    My heart hurt.  I saw through the eyes of my son what these kids were missing so much.  This christmas my kids learned that to give is better than to receive.  There were no presents waiting under a tree for them christmas morning, rather a family gathered together celebrating the gift God sent His hurting, lonely, sinful world.   


It has taken awhile to get settled in here in Guatemala.  Some days I feel my wheels are spinning and I don't feel much accomplished.  Currently we have 5 girls living with us.  Our family has stepped it up from a meek 5 to a team of 10.  The daily chores have multiplied.  I sometimes ask God why He even brought these 5 amazing girls onto our path.  Our little Lilly, who was found in a box in the street, our four girls who were sexually, emotionally, and physically abused by a father, and neglected by their mother.  How do I guard my heart from falling in love?

the kids of HOM acting out the christmas Story 

 We have a court date with Lilly January 16 and from there the judge will try to track down family for this little angel.  If no one comes forward, she goes on a list for adoption.  This process can take 2 years or more.  We are doing our best to research the possibility for us to adopt but the the legalities are incomprehensible. We already tried with "our" other four girls and doors were shut.  Every night, when her tiny body squirms and awakens for a bottle and affection, I creep to her bed in delight.  Knowing that I have this privilege to love her, hold her is the best christmas gift yet. And I pray... with tears streaming my face and falling on hers, that God who began a good work will continue to in her life .  That she will have a family that will love her as much as mine does.  And as I pray, God reminds me of His love and calling in my life.  That we are to be salt and light to the world. Thank you Jesus for coming as a tiny baby!  Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!!!

Kids received a care package from friends back home