Do you ever wonder if you are doing the right thing?

Mercedes teaching the toddlers
at the safe house a new game.

When we first got started on this whole missionary life back in 2009, we have often struggled with where we need to be.  So many opportunities come our way each day, many of which are small with no lasting impact but on the rare occasion we face big ones.  For Mandy and I, coming to Guatemala was a three year process in which we fought about where our purpose was in God's plan for us and our children.  Through lots of prayer and discernment, we feel that we are supposed to be here and working with these awesome yet unwanted children.

 I personally struggle  playing my own devil's advocate.  Unquestionably, I feel that working in Guatemala is our calling but what that work entails is not always so clear.  Many days I pray to be productive or to find the right combination of 'works' to 'relationship'.  What provides a better eternal impact?  Giving to those in need? Being with those in need? Both?

Taking on five girls full time in our home has
presented some challenges (to say the least).

How does someone wade through all of the problems in the world and find one that they need to "fix" when so many problems are presented?  For example, the children at the safe house need decent food, shelter, water, and a spiritual education.  All of which we have been providing.  However, some are learning English in school and need some support, babies need to be given more attention, some kids have speech therapy appointments, others want to learn how to craft, all of them need to get exercise and time out of the house, they need spiritual mentors, etc.  Realistically I know we can't be all things to all people.  Mandy and I are pulled in different directions to do what is 'best' for our family.  Admittedly, we have made many mistakes and have questioned ourselves in the decision making process.

My parents with Gabe and Mercedes ready
to do some trick or treating.

To answer the blog title, I do not always think we are doing the right thing, but we do strive to do the best at what we can.  I remember a conversation with my parents a couple years back while we were getting ready to go out for Halloween.  Mom and Dad made a decision when I was about nine years old to stop going out for Halloween.  Talk about torture, watching your friends enjoy the evening of collecting candy while we went to the mall to avoid the costumed kids knocking at our door.  However, 24 years later my parents got dressed up at my house with my kids and went out to enjoy the evening of collecting treats.  During that night, I jabbed at my parents that they had denied me a right of passage as a kid and here they are celebrating the holiday with my own.  To which my Dad replied quickly and confidently that they were wrong and at times parents make mistakes.  Nothing more than that.  For me, my Dad demonstrated a lot of grace.  He was not going beat himself up but stated where his decision wasn't the best and moved on.

I am thankful for the example my parents provided for me.  With the various projects that we have completed here and the people that we have interacted with, we struggle to always see the benefit we hope to create.  Where we need to be gracious with ourselves,  is that our hearts are always in the best interest of those we work with.  Continue to pray for us and those we work with as we desire to make positive and eternal change by doing the right thing.

Dropping Nets

18 As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. 19 “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” 20 At once they left their nets and followed him. (Matt 4:18-20)

This is a story of faith, hope and love.  A story to tell and share.  It is our story             of what God is doing in our lives.  

baby Susan at church with Matt

Five weeks ago, I sat alone on my empty bedroom floor, quietly with God.  It felt strangely foreign in the empty house.  The familiar smell of cookies in the oven, the pitter patter of feet up and down the stairs, and the sounds of laughter, somehow faded as the house emptied.  They are few of the many wonderful memories we had in our home.  Understanding obedience has often left me in wonder and anticipation.  I have struggled with fear, anxiety and sometimes doubt.  Reluctantly, I have had to let go of things and have learned to experience surrender on a new level.  It came with a fight and great turmoil.  I was reminded through that process that God has blessed us with so much and it is His to take.  Every now and then I have an instantaneous moment of panic, and I ask myself..."what the heck have we done?"  I have been avoiding sitting and writing for some time now.  The thought of trying to articulate and express my emotions is somewhat daunting.  I fear if I stop to write I might actually have to deal with some buried emotions. 

midnight feeding

I left a piece of my heart behind saying goodbye to family and friends.  The impact this has had on our kids thus far has been nothing shy of smooth.  I have had the most incredible heart to heart talks with our ten year old son in the last 8 months in preparation for this transition.  Out of all our kids, this by far has been the hardest on Gabe.  He has questioned faith and whether God really exists.  Of course as parents, we want to shelter our kids, protect them and avoid discomfort.  I have learned to let go and let God do only what He can do in Gabe's life.  I realized that his faith journey is not a result of what I do for him in his life. It is something he needs to grasp, something he needs to pursue and own one day.  I have had the privilege of seeing God work in Gabe's heart and every time he opens up, he melts my heart.  We have sat together and cried over the injustices we have been exposed to.  

medical team

Upon arriving, we had a medical team here from various cities across the states.  Max had the opportunity to head into the mountain village to help with the clinic.  David (our partner in Hands Of Mercy) meets with local Guatemalans beforehand,who know the communities in need to distribute numbers to the local village leaders who then pass the numbers on to the people in need. Max took patients blood pressure, seated them, and helped slit pills while connecting with the kids.  We are looking forward to another team of physician assistants coming the second week in December.  We also quickly reconnected with our four girls at Casa Hogar, Los Pinos.  It was a joy to be a part of Angelica's graduation last week.  As part of the ceremony, the parent has the honour of presenting the diploma.  She called her dad (Matt) up.  It was so incredible to be there in support for her. Currently, I am a full time care giver of a 2 and a 1/2 month old baby girl.  She is so precious!  Little Susan was brought to our safe house after being found in a box in the street.  I don't know her full story nor expect to, but I know one thing for sure; God has blessed us with her for now.  As I hold her tight and feed her in the night  I pray for her tiny life.  I know that God has something special in store for her.  I pray for the mom she may never know. I can't imagine what it meant for her to give up her child.  Somedays I feel like I want to be building things and getting my hands dirty instead of changing dirty diapers and night feedings. There is more of a sense of accomplishment in a project.  But God wants us to invest in people not buildings, and as messy and hard as it is at times, I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  

We are in the process of writing proposals and board meetings for Hands of Mercy.  We are hoping to purchase land to provide a place for the kids to grow up in foster home situations. We want to provide a more integrated approach with solar energy, farming, educational programs, and a medical clinic.  We are dreaming big!  

I have been reading  a section on boldness in Altar Ego ( Craig Groeschell) Just this past January I prayed boldly that God would speak into our lives, regarding His will and purpose for us.  I have learned that bold obedience often triggers opposition.  I have faced lots over the last few months.  There is a part of me that hesitates in asking boldly for God to provide because I know that opposition will follow.  But when we are in the centre of His perfect will for our lives, I believe that God will reveal His plan and that if we are willing to drop our nets and follow Him, our faith grows and we get to see His holy spirit at work!